It was only yesterday that we were chuckling about poorly translated health and safety instructions on household items, and now here we are with possibly the greatest mistranslations ever written.

Proving that it’s not just English that gets shoved through Google Translate until it vomits up bile and nonsense, a Japanese Twitter user has posted an image of the precautions label on a massage towel she bought in China.

We’ve all seen funny spelling errors and mixed-up grammar on labels before, but when a towel starts admitting to us that it can’t stand going outside to ski, you know you’re onto a winner…

Whether this is the result of garbled translation software or some clever spark in China posing as a translator and pumping out random Japanese sentences in exchange for cash, we have no idea. But this is quite possibly the best instructional information we’ve ever read, and it’s going viral across Facebook in Japan right now.

It starts off normally enough, warning us to keep the towel away from naked flames and telling us that it is effective in the removal of dirt and impurities from the skin.

But then things get a little bit odd:

“Skiing and snowboarding are so cold; it makes me not want to go outside.”

O-kaaay. Rather a strange time to come clean about your feelings towards winter sports, but everyone needs a canvas to express themselves on, we suppose.

But then it gets worse. The label suddenly starts spouting menacing prose like some kind of maniacal fortune-teller:

“You who selected the snowman, frozen over but enduring the cold, have something in your past. You value your parents’ opinions more than your own.”

Er, what? The label starts to repeat its frightening message before cutting itself off and giving a direct order:

“Look at your partner! “You were raised with many burdens upon you.”

Smile and nod, smile and nod. When it’s not looking back slowly out of the room…

Source: ねとらぼ Title image: @AK3ono