Starbuck’s remains a hugely successful coffee chain in Japan drawing droves of workers on a daily basis. Of course, their drinks don’t come cheap, which is why the guys at Omocoro are constantly looking for ways to recreate the Starbucks experience at home and on the cheap like their homemade Frappuccino.

In another experiment they sent writer Kisho into a back room, locked the door, and told him not to come out until he could surpass the Starbucks formula.

It’s been four months, and everyone at Omocoro has forgotten about Kisho’s existence. However, some startling news out of Hong Kong has him racing against the clock to complete his mission or die trying. Here is his story.

Damn you Starbucks, how dare you? What made you think to do that to your customers?

[“Starbuck’s Hong Kong; Toilet Water in the Coffee”]

You must have had a good laugh, didn’t you Starbucks? Watching those customers drink their toilet water coffee and knowing how much more delicious it was… knowing that you ripped off MY IDEA!!


For months I sat in the utility closet/bathroom trying to beat Starbucks’ delicious coffee and sweets. A few weeks ago I had discovered that this toilet – right here – was the key. Now it seems I was too late. How stupid of me to think I could keep up with a multinational like that.

At least they only got Hong Kong so far. This is my last chance to get out of here and show the world the superior taste of Smellbucks’ toilet-made coffee and snacks. I will record these recipes for posterity.

Okay, time to go to work. But as any café worker knows: When you gotta go to work, go with a smile!

Alright! First we’re going to make some scones. Begin by kneading together some pancake mix, salad oil, and some soy milk. I recommend using the inner rim of the toilet seat to secure the bowl.

Now here comes the fun part! Add a topping of your choice to make your own original tasting scones. I’m going to add Chocolate!

Makes it look like a little turd, eh? MWAAAhaaaHAAAAaaaHeHAaaa… Ahhhh, sorry just a little toilet humor. Okay next, mix in the chocolate and let sit somewhere safe for about five minutes. This should give your arms a chance to recover from all that kneading.

The great thing about cooking in a toilet is the wonderful array of equipment you can use to make creations never seen before! These air fresheners can be used to mold the scone into pleasant flower shapes.

Actually, I’m going to use the butterfly one.

Once the shape is formed just chuck them into a toaster oven and let it rip!

Ding! And there you go, easy as can be.

Next up, I’m going to make one of my favorite Jelly snacks. First simmer some agar, orange juice (for flavor and color) and sugar in a sauce pan.

When it starts to get mushy, scoop it into the toilet bowl.

Then just wait for it to cool and congeal.

While waiting, I like to envision the advertising campaign for Smellbucks with this product as the centerpiece…

Handsome Actor A: “Aghh! I hate my job. It’s just the same thing day in and day out. Whatever I do doesn’t seem to make any difference to anyone. What’s the point?”

Other Guy: “Come on, man. Most people’s jobs are like that, but we have to do them anyways. It’s not so bad.”

Handsome Actor A: “Sure but I feel like it’s draining the life out of me. What I need is… to fulfill my childhood dream…”

Other Guy: “Dream? What’s that?”

Handsome Actor A: “Just once… I want to eat a belly full of jelly.”

Other Guy: “Well, why didn’t you say so!”

Other Guy: “Smellbucks will make your dreams come true!”

Narrator:That’s right! Just grab a spoon and dig into adventure with Smellbucks toilet jelly!”

Narrator: “Only Smellbucks takes advantage of the toilet’s specifications. ISO regulation requires that a toilet must be able to contain a bellyful of waste. Therefore when you eat our jelly you can be sure you’re getting the max! Uh-oh! Looks like you got a nice chunk there.”

Narrator: “On sale now at a location near you.”

With all the snacks done it was time to make the coffee. Now, watch closely everyone, you’re not going to believe how easy my patented technique is. First get one of these big coffee makers.

Next, just pour some instant coffee crystals on the top of the tank where the water feeds in.

And flush!

Ohhh, this batch looks good! Let’s give it a try.

Another excellent bowl of my special blend.

Everything is finally ready. After four months I can leave this closet, impress the guys with my creations, and shut down Starbucks ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

Wait a minute. The Omocoro guys have been really good to me. They gave me a job and immediately shoved me in this tiny room to achieve this level of genius. They deserve something a little extra. They deserve some caramel with their coffee, and I know just how to do it. I’ll use my special caramel bomb.

[At this point Kisho shut off all recording devices, but accidentally left a single microphone on which picked up various grunting noises and the repeated shouting of “Come on!”]

I’m all set. Time to show the guys what I got. I’m sure they must have missed me after so long…

Hey guys! Look what I got for you.

“What the f#*k is that?!”

“Monster! Kill it!”

“Kill it quickly before it can use magic!”
“I think it’s trying to. Can you hear that awful wailing sound?!”

“Go… back… to the hell from which you came!”

“I think it’s dead.”
“Let’s put it out back with the other monster we killed last week. You know, the one that took the form of our janitor.”


…it doesn’t end here.

…it doesn’t end like this!!!

Whew, what a day! Time to sit back and enjoy a nice Starbucks Espresso Frappuccino. Heh, I think I’m getting addicted to these things. It’s not the caffeine either. Regular coffee just doesn’t do it for me. It must be Starbucks’ wonderful tastes.

Tomorrow maybe I’ll get a Green Tea Latte, or maybe an Espresso Macchiato. Oh I know, I’ll…!?


Why not try a cup of my special caramel macchiato? COME WITH ME!

For those of you who work hard every day, Smellbucks is open for business!

…and we’re always right behind you.

Source: Omocoro (Japanese)