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Hey there, space cowboy! Pull up a seat and grab a moon beer. You’re looking good! But then again, of course you are – you’re a citizen of the modern world! You’ve got it all: the electric car; the vacuum cleaner that’s on constant dust patrol; a pocket-sized device that lets you watch videos, send email, share photos of your cat anytime, anywhere! But what if that technology one day fell into the wrong hands? What if, dear reader, the next time you plonked your smooth, laser-sculpted 21st-century derriere on your luxury toilet, it ATTACKED!

I’ve probably shocked you. I apologise. Thankfully, we’re not quite at the point where we’re being taken hostage by a band of sentient latrines hell-bent on making us pay for years of poop-related servitude, but according to some, there is a very real possibility that ultra high-tech toilets could be hackable, and thus controllable, by those other than their rightful masters.

This story comes to you, of course, from Japan; the proud home of the space-age toilet. Created by manufacturer of swanky home furnishings and bathroom accessories, LIXIL, the “Satis” brand of smart toilets come with all the bells and whistles (I think I’d quite like a whistle on my toilet, actually, should I find myself without of paper and require assistance…) of the bidet-fitted “Washlet” toilets that we all know and love, but take that luxury to a whole new level.

In the year 2013, your toilet is no longer a mere sanitation fixture; it is a remote-operated shrine to bowel and bladder-related data.

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Designed for use with an original Android-OS smartphone application, My Satis, the Satis smart toilet can be operated and tinkered with remotely, allowing the user to customise its many functions and settings, and much more.

Partner heading in the direction of the bathroom but can’t remember whether you flushed the monster you dropped this afternoon? No problem! Simply activate the flush from the comfort of the sofa! You can even choose a smaller, more economical flush if you simply want to freshen the bowl or convince guests that your apartment is haunted by a ghost who suffers from IBS but has impeccable manners.

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Tired of changing the pressure and temperature settings of the bidet function every time you use it? Tell your toilet exactly how you like your bottom to be washed, changing your preferences on the go! The next time you sit down, your toilet will know it’s you just by starting the water running using your phone. You can even activate the bidet while no one’s even sitting on the toilet, spraying water absolutely everywhere! Fun for all the family, we’re sure!

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But it’s not all clean bottoms and water fights with Satis! Using the application, you can monitor your toilet’s water and electricity usage each month, watching as the yen adds up with every flush and minute of toilet seat warming. Time to cut back? Dial that cheek-warmer down and save, save, save!

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There’s even a diary function in the application that lets you keep track of your bowel movements. That’s right: a poop diary in which to record each trip to the toilet, noting things like colour, consistency and frequency. Know exactly which foods don’t agree with you by marking the days you ran into trouble and had to make extra liberal use of that ‘big flush’ button!

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▼ Left to right: calendar, consistency, mood and aches & pains

satis diary

This is all wonderfully unnecessary, but there’s no denying that the Satis truly is the king of space-age toilets, offering every possible bathroom-related function you could ever dream of, outside of a robotic hand that extends when you’re done and takes care of cleaning for you.

But what happens when it’s not you who’s telling Terrance the toilet when to spray, flush, and warm your buttocks? What if someone else were to gain access and started tampering with your luxury latrine? Someone… unsavoury.

As with most modern technology, Satis smart toilets require the user to enter a pass code into the remote control application in order to access its many features. The problem, however, is that every unit is shipped with the default pass code of “0000”, and with the application to remotely operate these toilets freely available for download, just about any joker with a smartphone could steal the keys to your toilet, flipping open the lid at all hours of the night, flushing at random intervals, tinkering with your carefully balanced water pressure and temperature settings… Even worse, what if Al-Qaeda were to become the new masters of our fine, futuristic toilets!? What then? We’d be on our knees in mere days, surrendering our homelands and all of our worldly possessions just so long as they please, for the love of god, stop squirting us with the bidet hose.

▼ Stop it! Stop it, Terrance! Obey me!

stop spraying meeee

The future is a scary place, boys and girls. Keep your wits about you, and a watchful eye on your toilet.

Reference: RocketNews24 Japan, LIXIL
Images via YouTube LIXILcorporation Top image edited by RocketNews24