In Vietnam on 15 July it was reported that Hanoi police investigated the Dong Yang Nong Sa food distributor and discovered a large stash of illegal food additives. Referred to as a “Magical Additive” it has the power to transform pork into beef. This comes as great news because I was just about to stop believing in magic.

By soaking a cut of pork in this additive for about 90 minutes it’s color, aroma, and texture all become virtually indistinguishable to that of beef. This certainly seems magical as most magic is useless anyway. I mean how does knowing my card or cutting a lady in half solve any of my problems? And all that magic used to fight orcs and wraiths… pfft. Orcs and wraiths don’t cut off my phone service or rev their engines late at night. Leave them alone!

Left: Pork marinated in magic additive, Right: Regular Pork

Left: Regular pork after cooking, Right: Pork with Magical Additive after cooking

In the same way turning pork into beef is useless because pork is delicious by itself. It also tricks Muslim, Jewish, and Rastafarian people into violating their religions which is pretty jerky, even more so than when a clown turns your banknotes into confetti. (I’m still waiting for my fiver back Pickles, you jackass.)

A representative for the food company said that the additive was procured from China and intended to be sold to various eateries. This additive has seen widespread use in China where it is sometimes referred to by the less magical name of “beef extract” and is something of an open secret among the government and food vendors. It’s also believed to lead to deformities and cancer, which is sort of magical too in a horrific kind of way.

The cooked meats alongside a bottle of “beef extract” and a pouch of “flavoring agent” allegedly used by some beef sellers in China.

Also, the 150kg of additive found in Hanoi had no expiry date or manufacturer printed on the packaging. That is bad, but really seems like a minor detail when dealing with the trafficking of an unapproved mysterious carcinogenic meat transforming agent.

Still, the Hanoi police would like to take the opportunity to remind consumers not to use anything that doesn’t have the manufacturer or expiry date written on it. However, considering this should be common sense, it seems more like a warning for illegal food dealers to put fake manufacturer information and expiry dates on their goods.

Source: VietJo (Japanese), China Smack (English), (Chinese)
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