ScreenHunter_189 Jul. 08 12.17

There are a lot of things about Cristiano Ronaldo that we know to be true. He is objectively a very attractive man. He is objectively a fantastic soccer player. He objectively very rich. He is – and we say this without irony – “big in Japan.” He is objectively in great shape.

He will also, objectively, endorse near any damn thing. Like this weird ab device.

The Training Gear Sixpad appears to be an exclusively Japanese fitness/beauty device that purports to tone the muscles of the thighs, biceps and, especially, the core. As Ronaldo is famous throughout Japan for not only his soccer skills but also his physique, the talented player must have seemed like a no-brainer when it came time for the Sixpad’s manufacturers to find a product spokesman.

Especially given the fact that Ronaldo has a bit of a track record for endorsing bizarre beauty products. Regular readers will no doubt remember his unforgettable performance in this advertising gem from last year:

We’re not sure which of the two product advertisements is better/more ridiculous. On the one hand, the Facial Fitness Pao is such an unashamedly ridiculous-looking product that the writers of Saturday Night Live probably couldn’t have even come up with it on one of their best days.

But on the other hand, there’s just so much craziness packed into this new Sixpad ad that it’s hard not to cringe:

It’s got all the cheesiness of those hilarious old Shake Weight commercials, but it goes a step further by setting it to the soundtrack of the opera scene from The Fifth Element. It is comedy gold.

▼ A behind-the-scenes look at the making of the commercial.

▼ We’ll be honest with you here: this is not an image we ever thought we’d see.

Screen Shot 2015-07-08 at 10.21.34 AM

The Training Gear Sixpad apparently uses electrical pulses to cause your muscles to involuntarily contract, thus, supposedly, emulating a moderate muscular workout without the need to ever set foot in a gym.

Now, as a longtime fitness buff and personal trainer, allow me to digress for just a moment. Please do not purchase this product thinking that it alone will give you rippling six-pack abs. It will not. Electronic impulses forcing your muscles to contract may give them a negligible workout, may give them the temporary appearance of being more toned and may even burn a scant few calories, but without resistance, your muscles will not grow and you will not become more lean. In fact, America’s Federal Trade Commission filed false advertising complaints against similar products back in the early 2000s. And yes, I’m aware that Bruce Lee endorsed and used a similar device, but that was back in the 70s, when fitness and nutrition science was… well, not very advanced.

Anyway, between this, the Facial Fitness Pao, and this ridiculous “small face” mask, it’s becoming increasingly clear that Cristiano Ronaldo will endorse just about anything. In fairness to the soccer player, all of these products come from the same company (MTG Co.), which indicates some sort of long-term contract deal, but consider that this is a small, niche manufacturer of faux fitness and beauty products – not, like, Sony or Toyota or some other household name – and you also kind of have to wonder about how small a price tag Ronaldo will sign away his likeness for.

This has got us here at RocketNews24 considering putting together a Kickstarter campaign to raise money for Ronaldo to endorse something totally random and ridiculous. Here are a few of our ideas so far: My nards, this RocketNews24 writer’s back hair, a slightly bruised banana (not, bananas plural, but one particular banana), dogs ruling and cats drooling, IBM computers from the 1980s, Tuesdays…

We’ll be taking submissions from the peanut gallery.

Images: MTG Co. via YouTube: 12