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I have to admit, I’ve always been a little confused about what’s going on in the Harry Potter movies series. Does Hogwarts exist in another dimension, or is it just located in a part of the English countryside so isolated that no one notices the packs of monsters roaming the forest and flying through the skies? Why does the debate about whether or not “Voldemort is back” continue for years after he’s first seen? And why are all these super-powered wizards too lily-livered to say the dude’s name?

But perhaps my biggest question is this: What’s the deal with all the melons?

Wait, you don’t know about the melons? Or about Harry’s middle management struggles as he climbs the corporate ladder? Then read on for all of these plot elements added to the beloved franchise by Chinese bootleg subtitles.

Oddly enough, many Chinese bootlegs of English-language movies include English-captions, and often instead of being ripped from the official home video release, the bootleggers make their own set. It’s kind of an odd practice, but hey, if you’re going to go to the trouble of starting a business venture (legal or not), you want to reach the widest customer base possible, and I guess they figure that deaf English-natives are a lucrative market to tap into.

Shocking as it may be to hear this, though, bootleggers don’t always have the strictest quality control standards or dedication to putting out a polished final product. Some of the English captions are so bad it’s hard to imagine them actually helping anyone understand the story.

On the other hand, when you buy a Chinese bootleg with its own English captions, you’re really getting two movies in one: the film as it was originally made, and a hilariously insane comedy remix of its script.

▼ DEAR RON, HOW ARE YOU? WE ARE FINE. ARE YOU MAKING LOTS OF FRIENDS AT SCHOOL?

China-based Shanghaiist recently shared a collection of photos from a Chinese Harry Potter bootleg that can’t seem to decide whether its main character’s name is Hally Porter, Harry Port, or Hairy Evil. It’s also a little fuzzy on whether or not the young wizard attends an institution called Hogawalz or Hugalouz, but whoever wrote the subtitles does seem pretty certain that his parents were killed by an evil warlock named Fody.

But then again, maybe it was the similarly named Fodi.

▼ Seriously, how do you screw up subtitling text in the same language?

However, Harry/Hally/Hairy has more pressing concerns than consistent spelling or remembering exactly who murdered his mom and dad. For instance, he’s apparently in the middle of handling some sort of corporate restructuring, or maybe fighting to prevent it.

It’s a project he can’t afford to bungle, either. As common sense would tell us, a school that teaches kids how to make drinking vessels out of animals and play magical sports doesn’t really prepare its pupils for employment in a broad range of fields. Considering the dreadfully esoteric education Hally and his friends have received, it’s a wonder they have jobs at all, which might explain why they’re so high-strung about the possibility of losing them.

Ron (Rond?) especially seems to need the money, considering his current living arrangement.

Seriously, Ron, how could anyplace be worse than that? Why don’t you just leave?

▼ Maybe he’s worried about getting a reaction like this.

We’re sure the heroes wish their budget allowed for going out to eat more often too, considering the limited variety of food they’re able to procure within the confines of Hugalouz.

▼ If “magic apple” is an accurate description, why would anyone ever choose to call it “poison eggplant?”

Then again, we don’t know why Hairy and the gang would bother with eating crickets when apparently Hogawalz sits at the center of a humongous melon patch!

▼ “Shut up, Dave! You’re just some guy who married my mom…you’re not my real melon father!”

▼ Oh no! If we don’t get them medical attention right away…

▼ Too late!

▼ Now, now, Hermione, don’t let it get to you.

▼ Remember, it’s not just them. All of us are melons.

▼ What…what does that even mean?!? Did you just have a stroke, Hagrid?

Want even more laughs? Go back and look at how often all of the words in the subtitles are capitalized.

▼ As Seen Here

Thank you bootleggers. Not only is your comedic sense impeccable, you were even kind enough to slip in this behind-the-scenes footage of the rest of the team watching the subtitler at work.

Source, images: Shanghaiist