Steven Simonitch

Writer / Translator

Though a native of the San Francisco Bay Area, Steven currently resides in Nagano, Japan, where he is known by the old lady at the supermarket as "the white guy who always buys 2 packs of natto." Having finished a 2 year stint teaching English with the JET program, Steven now spends his days writing silly things about Japan while vainly insisting to his parents that he's a "journalist" working for an established "newspaper."

Aside from writing banal stories about hot Asian women and cheeseburgers, Steven is also working with dojin circle Creative Freaks to localize their fitness app/ Japanese dating sim series, Burn your fat with me!! (known as Nensho! in Japan).

Posted by Steven

This is What a Whopper With 1000 Slices of Cheese Looks Like

A few months have passed since our resident reporter Mr. Sato consumed a Whopper loaded with 1050 strips of bacon. Now the smell of bacon grease has finally faded from the office and Mr. Sato seems to have learned his lesson after spending countless hours curled up in the fetal position, praying his arteries would hold out another day.

At least, that’s what we thought until he walked into the office the other day carrying a Whopper with 1000 slices of cheese in his hands.

Cheesus Christ.

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We Order Whopper With 1050 Bacon Strips, Struggle to Level Comically Huge Burger

Well that didn’t take long.

Just yesterday we shared the story of how our own Mr. Sato capitalized on Burger King Japan’s current 15 bacon strips for 100 yen (US $1.20) promotion by ordering a Whopper with 105 bacon strips.

While Mr. Sato managed to finish the burger, he didn’t seem to be in the best shape afterwards, falling into a meat-induced coma and then suddenly breaking out of it only to run out of the room with his hand covering his mouth.

Surely, we thought, Mr. Sato has finally learned his lesson; that consuming stacks of bacon is a task better left to professionals.

So imagine our surprise when he came in the office holding a plastic bag sagging under the weight of a 1050 bacon strip Whopper.

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Burger King Japan Offering 15 Bacon Strips for $1 So We Order Whopper With 105 Bacon Strips

Burger King Japan recently launched a promotion giving customers the option to add 15 pieces of bacon to their Whopper for a measly 100 yen (US $1.20).

That’s 500% more bacon for your buck (it’s usually 60 yen for 3 strips). It’s almost as if Burger King is operating under some CIA plot to undermine Japanese longevity by poisoning us with copious amount of cheap junk food.

Well we accept your challenge, America! In fact, we even raised the stakes to make things interesting, sending resident reporter/guinea pig Mr. Sato to eat a Whopper loaded with not 15 but 105 strips of bacon.

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Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’ As Performed By a Group of Enthusiastic 70 Year Old Chinese People

If there’s one thing we like about old Chinese people, it’s that they’ve got spunk. Whether it’s getting up early in the morning and doing Tai Chi in the park or dressing in drag and dancing on the streets every evening, elderly Chinese people just don’t let their age get the best of them.

The men and women of the Funan Province Retired Seniors Activity Center Choir Group are a prime example of this geriatric gusto: the group, whose members’ average age is over 70, caused a sensation in China and abroad this year after performing an enthusiastic—and, frankly, bizarre—Chinese rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” on television. Read More

We Take Cues From Reddit Picture, Attempt The First Japanese “Kubipan”

Recently on our Japanese site, we introduced a picture (above) uploaded to reddit of a young black male who had sits causally with his pants pulled up over his shoulders. The picture was a hit with our Japanese readers, who interpreted it as a herald of the end of koshipan—the Japanese word for ‘saggy pants,’ which is a portmanteau of hips (koshi) and pants (pantsu)—and the beginning of a new age: the age of kubipan (kubi = neck).

Feeling it our mission to keep Japan up to date with the latest hip-hop fashion, we called upon our own Mr. Satoh to model the basics of kubipan for our Japanese readers who are interested in trying it themselves.

However, we soon realized how foolish we were to believe such a challenging new style could be easily manipulated. Read More

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