Sure, you may have killed, like, 230 lions in Skyrim and traded in their pelts for a sweet dagger and maybe a cool tricorn hat, but it’s safe to say that, in real life, you probably wouldn’t fare so well against one of nature’s most efficient predators. First, where are you going to get a sweet set of gold armor and a giant warhammer? Secondly, humankind’s fight or flight response being what it is, you’re probably far more likely to projectile urinate onto your attacker while fleeing at top speed like the damn Roadrunner or something.
No, outside of Skyrim, there is only really one group of people (that don’t routinely use high-powered, modern weapons like they’re hunting the Predator) that can actually boast of taking on lions and walking away not only alive but victorious. Lucky for us, we’re tight with these folks – the Maasai people of Kenya and Tanzania – and they graciously taught us their technique, using one of our most unfortunate Japanese writing staff to demonstrate.
We’ll note a few things off the bat here. Our Japanese writer actually traveled to meet with the Maasai, so the following techniques are about as authentic as you’re liable to get from an Internet writer. Secondly, prior to his journey, our writer apparently happened upon a book written by a Japanese “expert” with advice on how to take on a lion; the advice amounted to, basically, “punch it in the face.” This is awful advice. Plus, let’s be clear: You should never take advice about killing a lion from a random Japanese person, since lions are not, shall we say, particularly common in Japan, meaning any Japanese person dispensing lion-fighting advice has either never actually had any experience, or broke into a zoo specifically to punch a lion in the face and is thus objectively insane.
The Japanese book our writer had relied upon for lion fighting advice until now
Now, the Maasai people don’t, apparently, take any particular pleasure or joy in hunting lions, and contrary to myth, lion killing isn’t part of any ritual or rite of passage among Maasai tribes. But, bands of young Maasai warriors do occasionally retaliate against lions and other predators that dare to take down Maasai livestock, using generations-old techniques.
Our writer spoke to one such group of young Maasai who had firsthand experience with fighting lions, and knew the proper techniques. Here’s what they had to say:
First, you want to jab at the lion using a spear. You’ll note this is already markedly different from the Japanese advice of just running up and punching a lion in the face. I mean, Jesus, what is wrong with that guy?
After you’ve pierced the lion, it should eventually become lethargic from blood loss. Here’s where you cut at it using a traditional Maasai sword. Sometimes, according to our Maasai guides, an attack with a special, curved club is also appropriate.
So those are the basics, but as for further tips for success, according to the Maasai, you want to remember to approach the lion in numbers. It turns out, even with a spear, a bludgeon and a sword in hand, you’re not liable to survive toe-to-toe with the beast without some backup. Possibly, the added numbers might help to confuse or frighten the animal, and may also provide you with extra courage to not wet your pants and go bounding away like a spooked gazelle in the Serengeti. Also, you want to remember to attack from the rear or flanks of the animal, since a lion could probably just take your entire head off with a single snap of its jaws and if Mortal Kombat has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t fight without a head.
After receiving that admittedly somewhat bare-bones explanation, our writer decided inexplicably to volunteer himself to play the role of the lion in a live demonstration. The Maasai, being a generally kind and not-insane people, eventually accepted our writer’s invitation while replacing the spears and swords with a bunch of benign-looking sticks and tools on hand. We, of course, captured this on video, ensuring that our Japanese writer will never find work outside of writing for the Internet ever again.
Normally, we would conclude an article like this by saying, “Don’t try this at home,” but hell, if you were to wake up one morning to find a lion inside of your actual home, holy crap, buddy, you’re in for a really bad day. But, also, yeah, in that situation, go ahead and try this.
Photos: RocketNews24
[ Read in Japanese ]