Oh the realities of getting older. One minute you’re feeling fine, the next you’re shopping for adult diapers. It’s a fact of life that transcends language, culture, and bladders all over the world.
Yoshio, one of our RocketNews24 Japanese-side writers, has recently joined the ranks of the incontinently impaired himself. To celebrate his newfound misery, he composed a 28-part list describing a typical day in his new, significantly wetter life.
Take a read and commiserate along with him, or see what you have to look forward to when parts of your own body start turning against you.
Yoshio claims that he had no peeing-related problems throughout his teens and twenties. He was just like most people, using bathrooms for bathroom-related things, and other places for non-bathroom things, never fearing the two would mix
It’s only now, in his thirties, that something has gone horribly wrong. And he’s dealing with it the only way he knows how: by making a 28-part list to describe his daily soggy struggle. Take it away, Yoshio!
1. You sit down on the toilet in the work bathroom, do your business, wipe, flush, and stand up with a satisfied grunt… and suddenly you leak everywhere.
2. You can’t believe what just happened. You were supposed to be done! Finished! Returning to work whistling and dry as a bone! You furiously try to wipe away the pee stains on your underwear.
3. Of course, all of your wiping has no effect. For the first time in your life, you feel truly powerless.
4. You spend way too long in the stall wiping, so long that you get tired of standing and you sit down on the toilet again. Thankfully the stain has finally dried a bit so you stand up, and as soon as you do you leak everywhere.
5. You wonder which would be more embarrassing: going back to your desk covered in pee stains, or just ripping off your pants, throwing them away, and going back showing some leg.
6. Before you can come up with an answer, you feel some of the leakage seeping through your underwear and onto your thigh.
7. You try wiping with more toilet paper, and by this point your pants are so filled with tissue you feel like you’re wearing a diaper.
8. You remove all the toilet paper and flush it away and can’t shake that dirty feeling all over down below.
9. You try to convince yourself that this isn’t a big deal, you don’t have a problem, even though you’ve spent half an hour in the stall trying to fix this.
10. You come up with an ingenious plan: you’ll just tell everyone you wiped your hands on your pants after you washed them. Perfect!
11. You return to your desk as stealthily as possible and make it to your seat unseen. As soon as you sit down, the impact makes you leak everywhere.
12. You feel like your brain and lower body just aren’t getting along like they used to.
13. The next morning after you tell your wife goodbye, she looks down at you and says: “Uh, your pants are wet.”
14. Time to put that perfect excuse to work. “Oh. Uh, yeah. Must’ve been from when I washed my hands!” Her expression is even more soaked with pity than your pants are with urine.
15. The feeling of wetness never goes away all day, so you sneak into the bathroom to stuff your underwear with toilet paper. Not that it does much.
16. And when you pull down your pants to pee, the bunched up toilet paper falls down your pant legs, so you have to reach down to pull it out, and somehow during the process your entire leg is now soaked.
17. The second you bring your leg up to go up a staircase, you feel the waterworks start up. You never appreciated elevators more in your life.
18. You now have to change your underwear two or three times before heading out to work in the morning to avoid more questions from the wife.
19. At night you’re lying in bed and move your leg ever so slightly, which of course sets something off and now your bottom half is drenched.
20. You throw out all your pairs of white underwear. And when you take a vacation, you pack ten pairs of dark black and blue underwear per day just to be safe.
21. It’s still not enough. You still run out two days before you come home.
22. You suddenly feel like you understand some of the weird things your own dad did a lot more.
23. Of course, you can’t talk to anyone at work about it.
24. But when you accidentally let it slip once, your coworker lights up and says: “Oh my god! Me too!”
25. Suddenly you have a new best friend.
26. You suggest inventing incontinence pads for men. You’d be millionaires! They could have racecar and Batman prints on them!
27. You get the name “Leaking King” at work. You don’t care for it at first, but it grows on you.
28. And then you leak.
Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I think I’m going to stop getting older right now. Yep, that sounds like a plan. Maybe if I wish for it on a bowl of ramen, it will come true? It’s worth a- oh. Oh no. I have to go to the bathroom.
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