Growing up in dreary North West England and attending Catholic school, my experience of “sex education” amounted to little more than a couple of awkward encounters around the back of a local bowling alley and a guest speaker coming into school one afternoon to show us a selection of gruesome slides labelled with the names of various sexually transmitted diseases. Thankfully, with the help of (painfully slow dial-up) internet access and my surprisingly liberal parents, I managed to piece together enough info to work out what went where and how, and made it to adulthood relatively unscathed, only occasionally feeling pangs of guilt whenever I had impure thoughts about the cute presenter of youth-oriented news programme Newsround.
If only I’d grown up in Japan and had YouTube to hand; with videos like this one from Japanese NPO group Pilcon – which instructs us how to put on a condom in a manner we can only describe as “sex ed meets airline safety demonstration with extra smiles” – I could have learned so much more easily!
But what on earth is that sock thing she has in her hand?
That’s right, boys and girls, today we’re going to be taking a little look at a genuine sex education video from Japan. It’s entirely in Japanese, but just like the act of physical love, words matter not a jot and it’s easy to understand once things get going.
The video focuses on the correct way to use a condom–something that we’re sure many of our readers already know. But on the off-chance that any of you aren’t entirely sure or are considering skipping the condom entirely (seriously, don’t), and because the video itself is just the right combination of informative, cute, and hilarious, we’ve decided to share.
We begin, like on so many occasions in Japan, with a deep bow.
Our young video host starts by telling us that there’s both good news and bad. “Condoms,” she explains, “protect you against sexually transmitted diseases and help prevent unplanned pregnancies, but if you don’t put them on correctly they can slip off or break.” Thankfully, she’s here to help, and with the aid of this video we’ll be able to “master the act of putting on a condom” in no time at all.
For today’s lesson, we will require the use of this homemade contraption.
No, we’re not entirely sure what it is either, but it looks like half a chair leg with a grey sports sock rolled over it. We can’t decide if this is completely ridiculous or utter genius, but it’s what she’s using so we’d better get used to it.
Okay, so someone likes you enough to want to rub tummies with you. Congrats. But what then? Well, before we even get the condom out of its packet, there’s something to be careful of:
“Are you cutting your fingernails short?” asks our navigator, “If they’re long, you might scratch the condom. So, please trim them.” That’s right, kids, condoms don’t like sharp fingernails. Nor do they like teeth for that matter, so regardless of how awesome and sexy you think you might look, don’t try to rip the packet open with your mouth like some voracious (yet responsible) love lion.
Instead, do as our friend here says: “Move the condom down to the bottom of the packet. Then tear the top off and squeeze the condom back up.”
Awesome. You’re ready to (un)roll, right? Nope. Not quite.
“If you have the condom the wrong way up, you won’t be able to unroll it,” warns our kindly nurse instructor. She then goes on to tell us that condom packets are clearly labelled so that you know which way up they should be, with “man’s side” printed on one and “woman’s side” on the other.
Perhaps we just weren’t paying attention, but we’d never noticed that before! Another one of those “only in Japan” moments, maybe?
▼ “Top side” (表 omote), which should be on the outside
▼ Underside (ウラ ura), which faces the man
With the condom removed from its packet and the right way up, our guide whips her sock-wand out again to show us how to unroll it.
“Make sure there’s no air trapped in the teat,” she advises.
“And roll it right down to the base of the man’s ‘special place’.”
Incidentally, we’re still none the wiser about where that prop came from nor what it is. We can’t even begin to imagine what the models in the reject bin look like. Moving swiftly on…
Somewhat mercifully, the video now skips ahead to the steps a man should take post-coitus (after tummy rubbing). Once you’ve made love, it’s important to withdraw right away, we’re told. Our nurse friend shows us how this is done.
▼Hold onto the base of your sock monster…
▼And withdraw. Preferably with a nice big smile.
Got that, guys?
▼ Grip.
▼ And withdraw.
Perhaps GIF would help here?
Next, it’s time to remove and properly dispose of that love balloon of yours.
Our navigator here recommends tying the condom in a knot (or perhaps a wreath knot if you’re a true seaman!? Sorry…) part-way down to ensure zero leakage.
And then scrunch it up in a tissue and throw it away (don’t flush it).
Job done! (The bow, we think, is just to signal the end of the presentation and does not need to be mimicked.)
If you’re still confused and would like to see that in motion, here’s the video in full. It’s a little bit low-res but it’s undeniably cute and we genuinely wish we’d had something like this back when we were curious teens.
Oh, Japan, promise us you’ll never change.
Source: Pilcon on YouTube via MLabo