It really puts the “fuk” and “u” back into “fukubukuro.”

Lucky bags, also known as “fukubukuro” in Japanese, are a really fun New Year’s tradition that puts a little zing into holiday shopping. These bags contain an assortment of goods from a certain store or brand, which are typically worth more than the price of the bag, so it’s hard to be disappointed by one.

But one store that seems hellbent on disappointing as many people as possible is the novelty goods chain, Village Vanguard. This year, they sent us seven of their 10 bags up for offer, and the duty of opening them has been split between our writers P.K. Sanjun and Ahiruneko, because it can take quite a toll on one’s mental health.

In this article, Ahiruneko will be opening the Purple bag, which sells for 5,500 yen (US$35). Let’s find out how badly he’ll regret doing that.

Village Vanguard bags are completely blind, and given their very eclectic range of stock that includes snacks, books, stationery, and many other things, it’s incredibly hard to know what to expect. Past experience has shown us that it’s usually bad, but that factor of randomness always tricks our writers into clinging to a shred of hope that this time they’ll be better.

On the note, behold the contents of the Village Vanguard Purple Lucky Bag.

First, there was a triangular ruler, rendered nearly useless by being ridiculously large.

Next, there was a pencil, rendered nearly useless by being ridiculously large.

After that came a toothbrush, rendered utterly useless by being ridiculously large.

Then, there were some ridiculously large playing cards.

These didn’t seem useless, however, so Ahiruneko decided to take them for a spin.

▼ Ahiruneko: “…”

▼ Takamichi: “…”

▼ Ahiruneko: “…”

Next, a ridiculously large AirPod came out of the bag, which was useless as an earbud but could be used as a regular speaker. It wasn’t a complete write-off like the others, but Ahiruneko was just one of those old-fashioned types who liked his speakers made in shapes that could fit somewhere in his home.

Finally, there was a pillow. This was not ridiculously large, and that seemed intentional to mock the purchaser because a pillow is the one thing that would be made better by being really big.

In case you’re wondering why this pillow looks like a wad of meat, in Japan, there are certain types of floor cushions called “zabuton.” There is also a cut of beef shoulder loin called a “zabuton” because it has a soft tenderness reminiscent of a cushion. Therefore, Ahiruneko is now the proud owner of a zabuton zabuton. Let the good times roll…

▼ Lucky Bag Verdict: Man-made Disaster

Some Village Vanguard apologists out there might remark: “Hey, that ruler is still useful on a whiteboard!”

But it’s not! The ruler’s package actually goes out of its way to explain: “This product is not designed to take accurate measurements of angles or lengths.” Sure, it’s still good for making straight lines, but so is literally everything else in the world that’s straight. You could even do it with the lead pipe someone used to bludgeon themselves to death with after opening a Purple Lucky Bag.

In case we’re being too subtle, we do not recommend buying this bag. Ours was sent for free, and we still feel ripped off. The store is very nice though, so feel free to stop by and pick up some Pokémon manhole lid accessories or space tea.

Photos ©SoraNews24
Bag design ©Chocolate
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[ Read in Japanese ]