A valuable lesson for us all in our reporter’s darkest fraction of an hour.

It was a sunny day in Tokyo when our reporter P.K. Sanjun was in the field reporting on the new IKEA that opened in Harajuku. Feeling a bit peckish, he popped into a nearby McDonald’s for lunch. However, little did he know what danger lurked inside.

As is often the case with the irregular and fast-food-laden diet of a SoraNews24 reporter, P.K. Sanjun got a sudden urge to make full use of the McDonald’s single-person restroom. Time was of the essence and he hurried onto the throne, tragically unaware of the full extent of his surroundings…

Even on normal days, P.K. had rarely encountered an empty toilet paper holder in public. Moreover, the Great Toilet Paper Panic of 2020 had long since subsided, and this McDonald’s wasn’t even very busy due to the ongoing coronavirus concerns.

And yet, in a matter of seconds, P.K. suddenly found himself utterly alone and removed from the rest of humanity.

Luckily, modern technology offered our reporter hope. He quickly posted his predicament on Instagram and Twitter, crowdsourcing solutions.

▼ “SOS. Can somebody get me toilet paper at the men’s room in the Harajuku McDonald’s?”

Thanks to the notoriety of P.K. his social media accounts were flooded with over 17,000 comments. Most offered help, but some people were just plain rude… some people like his coworker Ahiruneko.

▼ “You can write an article about this!”

“Who cares about articles at a time like this,” thought P.K. as he silently cursed out his fellow writer.

Luckily, there were many other more considerate suggestions such as people offering to call the staff or bring some paper themselves. While extremely generous, P.K. was concerned that getting other people involved could blow things out of proportion. The last thing he needed was the paparazzi circling around, covering his poopy ass.

Mercifully, this particular toilet had a washlet attached. That would get him most of the way home, but couldn’t guarantee complete eradication of remnants, and it would also leave him with a wet behind. From there he would have to either sacrifice an article of clothing, such as a sock or his underpants, to finish the job, or simply deal with a damp and slightly grimy butt crack.

Neither were ideal.

Just then, another comment came over his social media which read, “Why don’t you use the tube?”

▼ “THE TUBE!!!”

Certainly, the tube was technically paper too. But saying toilet paper and its tube were basically the same thing is like saying a pot-bellied pig and a wild boar are basically the same animal.

Still, it was the best shot P.K. had of getting out of this place with all of his pride and clothing clean and intact, so he began to convert the roll into a flat sheet of cardboard paper.

He knew this was going to be rough. Clenching his teeth and squinting his eyes in preparation for the pain, he thrust his hand into the danger zone and begun to rub vigorously.

It was then that a miracle occurred.

The tube didn’t hurt at all. On the contrary, it felt kind of like toilet paper. He lifted the wad in front of him and was taken aback. The roll had turned into a gentle paper!!!

The best explanation he could come up with is that the roll was made with some recycled paper, and when introduced to the humid environment of his butt, it reverted to its original form and could be used just like regular TP. Did the owner of this McDonald’s branch choose this brand for this very reason?

If so, P.K. would like to heartily thank the Harajuku McDonald’s to having the foresight to use magic toilet paper tubes, and he would also like to send his love to all his followers who lent him emotional and logistic support throughout this ordeal.

Everyone except for Ahiruneko, that is. Sure, he ended up being right about getting an article out of this, but he still didn’t have to be a jerk about it.

Photos: ©SoraNews24
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