Amazon makes our writer an offer he can’t refuse.

After an enlightening job performance review with his senior colleague Mr. Sato, our writer Masanuki Sunakoma was feeling a bit in a rut. That’s why he got a sudden urge to refresh his mood by redecorating his living environment, preferably something with a little pizzazz.

He decided to search on Amazon Japan for something that could spruce up his homestead within his budget. However, after years of seeking out the worst products on the e-commerce giant, his search results have gotten a little skewed.

One product that caught his eye was the Giraffe Head Wall Hanging for 2,585 yen (US$18). It’s a simple 3-D bust of the savanna’s gentle giant that creates the illusion of it popping its head into your living space, as if to munch on some mimosa leaves.

The product image made it look incredibly life-like too. It would certainly wow guests who came to visit and looked sure to put a smile on his face every day as he walked past it. It also had a feel of a hunter’s lodge but in a more fun way that doesn’t say, “I shot and killed an animal that’s as big as a house and yet somehow also completely non-threatening.”

However, the reviews for it were less than stellar. It has a rock-bottom rating of 1.0 stars and reviews claiming the real thing was nothing like the image. Knowing that products have been unfairly maligned by picky reviewers before, Masanuki decided to take the plunge and purchase a giraffe’s head.

It took about two weeks for the wall hanging to arrive from overseas, and our writer was filled to the brim with suspense about how it would look. Then, one fateful day, his package arrived.

▼ Cue the Godfather theme…

▼ Duh-duhn-nuh-nuh-nuh-neh Nuh-neh-nuh-neh-nuh-nuhhhh…

▼ Duh-duhn-nuh-nuh-nuh-neh Nuh-neh-nuh-neh-nuh-nehhhh…

▼ Duh-duhn-neh-nehhhh, duh-duhn-neh-nehhhh…

▼ Duh-nuh-neh-neh-nuh-neh-nuh-neh-neh-nuh-neh…

▼ Nehhhhhhh…

Far from the vibrant herbivore shown on the Amazon page, this giraffe looked like it had been dead for quite a while.

It was also covered in a white powder that might have been caused by the resin it was made of. It managed to make the giraffe look even less alive and cursed to roam the world as a soulless, long-necked wraith.

Needless to say, this was not the pick-me-up that Masanuki wanted, but he decided to give it a shot anyway and hung it on his wall.

He looked at his new objet d’art and contemplated if it had any redeeming qualities he might have overlooked.

It was then that he realized even the false window was horrendously made. Rather than peeking its head in from the lush foliage of Kenya, this giraffe seemed to be struggling to escape the ectoplasmic confines of an eldritch hell.

▼ Sometimes that giraffe looks right at ya. Right into your eyes. And the thing about this giraffe is he’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn’t even seem to be livin’… ’til he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then… ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin’.

Rather than brightening his day, this wall hanging cast an even heavier pallor over his home. He even felt he would be hard pressed to find a more depressing decoration than this.

Maybe someone out there would have a need or desire for such a thing, but it wasn’t Masanuki. He took down the cursed item and went in search of something else to lift his spirits. It would seem interior decoration was a lot harder than he had thought.

Related: Amazon Japan
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