When it comes to disappointing products, this thing is a lock!

In his continuing search for diamonds in the online rough, our reporter Masanuki Sunakoma has pushed his tolerance of crap to the limits with all kinds of malfunctioning and barely functioning items that have received the most abysmal reviews on Amazon Japan.

This time he purchased a folding bike lock for 990 yen (US$6.77) that claims to be compact yet made with steel plates that are resistant to breaking, twisting, and cutting. If it could deliver on these promises, it’d be a pretty reasonable price to pay for highly portable bike security.

When the lock arrived, Masanuki was rather impressed with its compactness. It was about the size of a smartphone and could easily fit into his pocket.

It was definitely a handy design, so as long as it could actually lock up his bike it would be perfect. Considering even a tightly knotted plastic bag could provide reasonable bike security, that didn’t seem like too much to ask of this product.

The way it works is simple. A long folding arm stretches out from the main body.

The arm has a blade at the end that slides into a slot on the main body to create a protective loop.

The blade can only be removed by the keys provided, which means any would-be thief would be out of luck when trying to snag Masanuki’s ride.

It all looked good so far, but our reporter couldn’t help but recall the reviews that he read for this product. “Weaker than Daiso,” and “can be broken with bare hands in 10 seconds,” were among the most scathing, but the one that kept echoing in Masanuki’s head was “even Toguro 0% could break it.”

Toguro is a character from the manga Yu Yu Hakusho who has the ability to regulate his own power levels from 0 to 100 percent. He also wore cool sunglasses.

Masanuki too had the ability to wear sunglasses and regulate his power…to zero at least. So he decided to put that review to the test and see if Toguro 0% really could overpower this bike lock.

The field of battle was set as the empty lot out by his home.

Our reporter focused all his energy on having no energy through a rigorous training regimen of binging several TV series and not getting enough sleep. He had become ultimately powerless!

Also assuming the role of a bike-stealing scoundrel, Masanuki nonchalantly surveyed the scene for any 5-0 or Junior G-Men in the area.

He then crouched down as if trying to get a better view of a Eurasian tree sparrow while his hands sneakily reached towards the lock.

Then, remembering to apply as little force as humanly possible, Masanuki 0% began to jostle the lock…

▼ ”Nice plumage…”

Only five seconds later…

▼ Success!!!

Although the lock claimed to be made of steel plates, there appeared to be little in between holding them together. Even Masanuki channeling the strength of a baby was able to tear through this lock with his bare hands in a matter of seconds.

The super villain climbed onto his own bike and prepared to take it back to his hideout. Crime had won this day, because Masanuki’s bike lock couldn’t even do the one thing that it was supposed to.

In defense of this lock, even Masanuki trying to emulate a baby is still probably stronger than an actual baby. In fact, the folding lock from Amazon Japan would probably provide adequate defense from anyone under one year old attempting to steal your bike and that should count for something.

▼ “So long, suckers!!!”

Still, with the plethora of bicycle security options out there such as bird poo stickers, this is simply not something we can recommend.

Related: Amazon Japan / Folding Lock
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