Mr. Sato and his crew strut through Shinjuku like cocks of the walk, but can their meat beat the heat?
So…our plans to beat the summer heat haven’t exactly been going very well. Sure, the results have been moderately effective, but slapping 68 adhesive cooling patches on the upper body of our crack reporter Mr. Sato was also a pretty expensive endeavor. Likewise, yes, freezing our boss Yoshio’s hat in a block of ice did cool him off, but also took us more than a day and required an electric cutter and hand file to make wearable, making the process both time and labor-intensive.
And so it was that, once again, Mr. Sato sat at his desk in SoraNews24 headquarters, racking his brain for another countermeasure to the hot, humid weather.
Suddenly, inspiration struck, bringing with it a flash of glee to Mr. Sato’s face.
He rose to his feet, and his steps grew quicker and more excited with each step as he headed towards the door.
Honestly, at this point, we’ve stopped asking him questions when he does this sort of thing. All you can do is sit back and wait for the Sato surprise.
30 minutes later, Mr. Sato came bounding back into the office, holding…
…handy fans!
▼ “Hey guys! Look what I’ve got!”
Handy fans have become a trendy item in Tokyo these days. Advancements in mobile battery technology have brought them to a point where they’re affordable, relatively lightweight, and can run for a long time on a charge. Granted, they’re now commonplace enough to seem a little light on outside-the-box impact for one of Mr. Sato’s schemes, but Yoshio and fellow writer Seiji Nakazawa, who also happened to be in the office this day, were thankful all the same for Mr. Sato’s gifts.
Mr. Sato: “Here ya go, handy fans! The air conditioner alone doesn’t cut it on days as hot as this, right?”
Seiji: “Wow, thank you!”
Yoshio: “Thanks.”
Seiji: “Ahhh…so nice and cool!”
Yoshio: “It doesn’t get any better than this.”
But while smiles spread across Seiji and Yoshio’s faces, the one on Mr. Sato’s quickly vanished.
Mr. Sato: “Whoa, hold up! You’re just using them like normal? Did you dudes go brain-dead?”
Seiji: “Wha-?”
Yoshio: “Yes, what?”
Snatching their handy fans back, Mr. Sato fly into a rage and launched into a tirade.
Mr. Sato: “How many years have you ditzes been working at SoraNews24? ‘Ohhh, this feels so nice on my face’? That’s bush-league! That aint how we do things around here, and you know it!”
Mr. Sato: “I’ll show you both what to do! Geez, you’re not even worth wasting too punches on…here’s one for the both of ya!”
Seiji: “Gyahh!”
Yoshio: “So efficiently degrading!”
Mr. Sato: “Here, like this! If you’re a man, shut your mouth and hang the handy fan on your crotch!”
Mr. Sato: “Check it out! It makes you look awesome, like a Kamen Rider superhero belt!”
▼ ZUGYUUN (ズギューン), the sound of boldly showing off your crotch fan (see, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, you’re not the only one who can make up crazy sound effects).
▼ ZUGYUUN!
Mr. Sato: “OK, now you two guys do it!”
Seiji: “Like this?”
Yoshio: “Is this correct?”
Mr. Sato: “Yeah, that’s more like it.”
Seiji: “You know, this really is cooler.”
Yoshio: “You could almost say it’s cold.”
Mr. Sato: “See? I told you guys.”
Mr. Sato: “OK, time to move out.”
Seiji: “We’re going outside dressed like weirdos again?”
Yoshio: “I’m not so sure about this.”
Mr. Sato: “Not so sure? Come on man, you’ve gone outside wearing stranger stuff than this. You know what’s going to get us in trouble, and it’s not this.”
Seiji: “Well, I guess he’s right…”
Yoshio: “So where are we going?”
Mr. Sato: “Yoshio, baby, you don’t need to ask that. You know exactly where we’re going.”
Yoshio: “Well, yeah, but if I have to ask to establish context for our readers, don’t I?”
Mr. Sato: “Well, how very proper and responsible of you.”
Seiji: “How many times does this make that we’ve gone ‘there’ doing stuff like this?”
Mr. Sato: “I can’t even remember. Doesn’t change anything though. Gotta be done.”
Yoshio: “At this point, it feels like some mysterious sense of obligation.”
Mr. Sato: “OK, stay sharp until we get across the street.”
Yoshio: “Why?”
Mr. Sato: “Dude, because we’re passing in front of the police box.”
Seiji: “Hey, weren’t you the one saying we weren’t going to get in any trouble?”
Mr. Sato: “Hey, just being extra cautious.”
Mr. Sato: “Once we get across, we’ll be out of the danger zone.”
Yoshio: “Focus…focus…”
Mr. Sato: “See, we made it. Back again at our good old local Starbucks.”
Seiji: “Seems like we always find our way back here at times like this.”
Mr. Sato: “Is there anyplace better?”
Yoshio: “I’ve got to admit, you’re right about that.”
Mr. Sato: “Aaaand coffee cheers!”
Seiji: “The coffee here always feels like it comes with a sense of accomplishment on the side.”
Yoshio: “Somehow, making it here always feels like we just crossed a finish line.”
As we wrap things up, we should mention that our lawyers would like to remind everyone that handy fans are not actually designed to be used in this manner, and that placing rapidly rotating blades so close to your crotch carries a non-negatable risk of very painful collision with what most men would consider some of their body parts they’re most attached to. So as always, even when Mr. Sato’s crazy ideas produce the desired result, we recommend utilizing non-crazy measures for yourself.
Photos ©SoraNews24
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[ Read in Japanese ]
