If there’s one household commodity that Japan can truly be proud of, it’s their high-tech toilets, particularly the model known as a Washlet. These things are world-famous for their advanced butt-cleansing technologies and heated seats. Why, the simple press of a button has water spraying up out of the bowl like a fountain! To any long-standing member of Japanese society, the warm water jet is obviously intended to help rinse away the residue of a good dump, but what’s a foreign traveler to do when faced with one of these mythical thrones for the first time?

In hopes of preempting any future toilet travesties, we at RocketNews24 would like to introduce you to our demonstrative list of things one shouldn’t do with a Washlet. No, really. While some of these items may seem like clever ways to freshen up after taking care of business, the Washlet is not a one-stop body shop, and we urge you never to try these things at home… or anywhere else for that matter.

1. Washing your hands
It makes sense that every bathroom be fitted with a place to wash one’s hands. However that place is not the toilet bowl. And thus we urge you to squat only on top of the seat, rather than in front of it, and refrain from washing your hands in the Washlet.


2. Washing your face
Please do not mistake the water jetting up from inside the toilet bowl as some sort of face washer. We repeat, the upward spray of water from your Washlet is not for any sort of washing that involves soap.


3. Brushing your teeth
Now, some readers may be wondering, “Who in their right mind would think to brush their teeth in the toilet?” But, for the sake of good journalism, this dedicated reporter gave it a try! To be fair, the convenience was in its own way refreshing… but in no way recommended.


4. Watering the plants
We might just be the only people in all of Japan to have watered our plants using a Washlet. Honestly, using the toilet spray in place of a watering can was rather fun, but may pose a problem when it comes time to water the bonsai or anything bigger.


5. Washing the dishes
Is there anyone out there who would take their oft used dinnerware to the bathroom with them? Sure there is. He’s right here!


6. Diluting your liquor
Just imagine how your friends or business partners would react if they knew that the sake they were drinking had been diluted with toilet water! Anger wouldn’t even come close…


7. Gargling
Okay, so maybe this one’s not such a bad idea. You know how scratchy your throat can get during winter? Well, ask any Japanese person, and they’ll tell you that gargling is the best way to ease a sore throat and prevent sickness. So go ahead and gargle with the warm spray of water from your Washlet! Just be sure to locate the stop button ahead of time. We know from experience that it can be hard to find it after you’ve got your head stuck down in the bowl.


8. Making miso soup
Ladies and gentlemen, we have now reached the peak of idiocy. I image that many of you are again wondering who on earth would be stupid enough to make soup from toilet water. As it turns out there is only one man stupid enough. The first idiot ever to make miso soup with water from a Washlet is a happily employed member of our RocketNews24 staff. What a shame that we have no pictures to commemorate the event…

Thus concludes our ultra-informative list on how not to use a Japanese Washlet. Hopefully, we’ve covered all the major points on improper uses of the spray function. Armed with this knowledge of standard bathroom etiquette, please go forth and experience the warm, wet, and altogether clean sensation of using a Japanese toilet!

Photos: RocketNews24