beachshark

Summer’s the perfect time for romance. You’ll catch couples snuggling on the train, at the department store, in the corner of the café where they think nobody can see them – newsflash, we can. There’s so much sweaty, bare flesh on show, people just can’t keep their hands off each other. And the absolute worst place for sickening displays of “get a room” is at the beach. What is it about the swelling waves and blazing sun that makes people stick together like sand to your bikini bottoms.

But no matter how much you might have the urge to cling, it’s no good if you don’t have a partner to endure your affections. For anyone looking for some summer lovin’, this guide–penned by our very own sister-site writer and native Japanese, Kanako–is for you.

■ When you spot a hottie at the beach, go on the attack

Don’t spend all your time searching for the perfect guy. The goal is “summer lovin'” not “find your prince”. As soon as you see a guy who makes you think “I wouldn’t mind a piece of that“, you need to attack aggressively and settle it quickly. Guys on a boys’ day out at the beach are the perfect target. Now, let’s try and get them hooked in five seconds flat.

■ Whatever the scene, performance is key

For bewitching a guy in five seconds, you need to know the trick. And that trick is not to forget to perform.

Take the oldest trick in a girl’s the book. When your target is walking in front of you, you bump into him on purpose – the performance. But the conversation never goes how it’s supposed to: “Are you ok?” “Owww, not really~” “Oh no, poor thing!”. No, he just backs off glaring at you and complaining, and these days I wouldn’t put it past a guy to sue you for damages.

■ No props necessary, just your own sexy body

Now forget out-dated ideas like bumping into people, and let’s look at a safer and more reliable method. This will test your acting abilities a bit — you need to pretend to be an animal. I mean, cats and dogs are so cute that even guys can’t help fawning over them. But I’ve got something a bit different in mind…

My recommendation, ladies, is a shark. Before you start fretting over fins, there’s no need for any preparations to make you look shark-like. All you need to do is convince yourself “Yes.. I am.. a shark!” and you’ll be able to perform like you’ve truly been possessed by a spirit of Jaws himself.

When your target heads for a swim or a splash in the sea, set your sights on his nether regions, and swim your way over.

■ Come to the surface like a Baywatch babe

Transform into a shark, rush between his legs, then surface. It all takes no more than five seconds. When he sees your beautiful face with the perfectly normal-sized teeth emerging from the water, he’ll be so relieved that you’re not a killer shark, merely a perfectly normal human girl. In fact he’ll be so happy that he’ll be overcome with the urge to sweep you into a salty embrace. All because if you really had been a shark, he’d have been missing some pretty important equipment right about now. For the rest of the day, that precious package will be yours, as he celebrates the fact that his manly bod is still in on piece.

If the guy doesn’t take the bait and fails to make a move on you, you need to acquire a new target immediately, and attack post-haste. You can’t wait around getting heat stroke or shriveling up like a prune. I’ve heard many girls are successful on their first go – it all depends on your performance, so give it your best!!

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Thanks for the tips, Kanako! We had no idea you Japanese girls could be so… feisty!

beachlove
[ Read in Japanese ]