Sometimes we get so attached to the voices on our electronic devices that we’d do anything to get them back.

We all have our preferences when it comes to electronics, and surely with repeated use, we grow a certain attachment to the voices that come out of them. This is why I suspect Electronic Arts has been keeping John Madden on some sort of H.R.Giger-esque cybernetic life support for the past 15 years.

In the case of RocketNews24, it is the voice of Miho Noguchi who helped us through many road trips.

You see, this news organization has wasted such terrible amounts of money on scratch-off lottery tickets, burger toppings, and absurd fashion experiments that we could only afford a 980 yen car…clearly without a navigation system.

So it was Noguchi via Google Maps that had helped our reporter Hatori Go more times than he could remember. However, in May, when Google replaced Noguchi with another voice, Hatori was heartbroken as if his wife had told him she was going out for smokes…only never to return.

Luckily he found a way to get her back!

■ Lifehack a-comin’ your way!

Okay, first what you want to do is throw out everything in your home that is electrical or isn’t Earth-toned. Patterns should also be kept to one dimension unless it is to print out positive affirmations on your pillows or bedspreads such as “joy.”

Every morning, when your mechanical alarm clock goes off, meditate on the futility of life and all that it encompasses. Empty your mind and heart of all covetousness and find the cold true inner workings of the universe.

■ Hey! Hold yer horses, cowboy!

Now here’s where a lot of people make a lifehack rookie mistake. Once you purge your soul of all desire, you will be granted a chance at enlightenment wherein you would join the current of benevolent spiritual power that maintains this extremely fragile peace on Earth.

Forget all that though! What you want to do here is refuse that offer, and opt to return to the mortal coil.

Next, get in your car and plan a long drive (you’ll need time). Go chose a route from Tokyo to the rural prefecture of Gifu.

Achieving and then rejecting nirvana was only the first step however. Once in the car, Go had to reflect on the time he and Noguchi spent together while chanting her name incessantly.

After about 300 kilometers (186 miles), he could then chant her first name…Mihooooooo…lest he get legendary kickboxer Osamu Noguchi.

And that’s it!

At this point in the dimension transcending lifehack, you will surely have noticed that this “Miho Noguchi” is nothing but a sensory illusion who even smells as pleasant as a freshly unpacked compact disc. However, you must latch on to this “reality” by asking her for directions.

Once, their bond was solidified Go, started throwing her curves by making wrong turns and forcing her to “recalculate the route.”

With his spirit Miho in grasp, Go then got out of the car and made the hike up to Gifu Castle on top of the mountain. Sure enough, Miho Noguchi, the original voice of Google Maps, remained by his side and recommended some great noodle shops for him to visit.

Later on, he could have sworn he ate noodles with Noguchi as she finally told him secrets such as her life’s dream and favorite number of meters. But as he drove home from Gifu, those memories began to fade away unusually fast.

It was almost as if none of this ever happened despite it feeling so real. Luckily, Go had placed several cameras on his car and person to document his assumed sanity.

Also, a sentimental tear rolled down his cheek to find that the real Miho Noguchi had posted a video of himself promoting her new voice work on the Gifu City car navigation software.

He didn’t really remember doing that, but maybe that’s how transcendence works.

By the way, Go’s whole experience required a 980 kilometer (609 mile) round trip drive…so if you plan to do the same, budget accordingly.

Nevertheless, with this super simple lifehack to rolling back your favorite digitized voice, the only question is who should be first? I’ll let you know once I adopt veganism and renounce all false idols to summon the guy who says “Intruder Alert!” in that old Berzerk game.

Original report by Hatori Go
Special Thanks to Miho Noguchi
Photos & Video: RocketNews24
[ Read in Japanese ]