Our newly single reporter Seiji devises and tests three methods that could only come from a mind like his.

This article is sponsored by SKYN Premium.

As some of you might already be aware, our Japanese-language reporter Seiji Nakazawa got divorced a while back. He’s still in the process of readjusting back into the dating pool, and he’d like to up his romance game, especially for if and when it comes time for him and his future consenting adult partner to physically consummate their relationship.

But Seiji has a problem. Even under normal circumstances, he doesn’t think of himself as the smoothest guy, and so he’s worried about what to do if he has a girl over to his place and the situation turns steamy, but he then suddenly realizes he doesn’t have any condoms and has to go buy some. He knows that saying “Hey babe, you sit tight while I go grab some rubbers!” is going to spoil the mood, even if he says it while winking and flashing pistol fingers with both hands, so what is the best way to handle that dilemma?

To help Seiji find a solution, Japanese condom brand SKYN Premium agreed to sponsor the development and testing of three methods that Seiji came up with to go buy condoms without spoiling the mood. Also assisting Seiji in this endeavor is fellow SoraNews24 reporter Ikuna Kamezawa, who offered to judge Seiji’s three techniques, though we should emphasize that this is strictly for research purposes and that the two are not dating.

▼ Though you could probably guess that from the crackling chemistry between the two in this photo.

With all that covered, let’s dive into Seiji’s Three Best Ideas for Going Out to Buy Condoms Without Spoiling the Mood.

● Method 1: Schrödinger’s Cat

Yep, Seiji is getting quantum mechanical right from the jump (dude is an otaku, after all). For those unfamiliar, Schrödinger’s cat, in simple terms, is a thought experiment in which a theoretical cat is placed inside of a box that will kill it, but which also cannot be observed from the outside, with the resulting presumption being that the cat is simultaneously both alive and dead (the question of whether or not Seiji’s forming a connection between potential sexual activity and doomed-to-die cats is contributing to his continuing single status is something we’ll leave for another day).

So how does Seiji apply Schrödinger’s cat to buying condoms? Like this:

▼ “Oh no, I don’t have any condoms!”

▼ -click-

Once Seiji can see that his girl is ready to physically seal the deal, he turns out all the lights in the apartment, so that he can slip away to the store under the cover or darkness. But wait, if all the lights are off, how will he know where he’s going? Because at the same time he turns off the lights…

…he puts on a pair of night vision goggles.

Meanwhile, his girlfriend, without any technological aids, won’t be able to see anything. In this way, much like Schrödinger’s cat who is simultaneously both living and dead, since Seiji’s girlfriend doesn’t actually observe him leaving, he is, in theory, simultaneously both still in his apartment and at the store buying condoms.

There are, however, a few problems here. One is that as Seiji steps out of his darkened apartment, he’s going to look like a maniac to anyone out on the street or in the store who sees him with those goggles on.

Another issue is that while Seiji’s girlfriend can’t see him, as he’s leaving and coming back he’ll be seeing her through the goggles’ displays, and let’s just say that night vision doesn’t have the same romantic effect that candlelight does.

So, overall, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being “not spoiling the mood at all,” what does Ikuna think of Seiji’s Schrödinger’s Cat Method?

She gives it 8 out of 10. Yeah, it’s definitely weird, but “I could tell that he was really going to a lot of trouble to try to be considerate, and that made me feel happy.”

But remember, Seiji’s trying to figure out how to go buy condoms without spoiling the mood at all. So while 8 out of 10 isn’t bad, that still means there’s a two-point drop in the romance levels. So it was back to the drawing board, and really, he should have known that the answer wasn’t going to be Schrödinger’s cat.

● Method 2: Schrödinger’s Toilet

In Seiji’s apartment, as is the case in a lot of apartments in Japan, the bathroom is in a sort of hallway near the entrance. That means that you can go from the bathroom to out the front door without passing back through the bedroom, and this is a key point of the Schrödinger’s Toilet method.

This method also relies on another quirk of Japanese toilet culture: the otohime, or “sound princess.” The otohime is a button-activated speaker placed in the bathroom that emits the sound of a gently flowing river so that no one in earshot will hear the posterior trumpeting and plopping noises you make when taking a poop.

Some high-end toilets come with an otohime built right into the seat, but you can also buy stand-alone units that you attach to your interior bathroom wall with adhesive. And if you can mount one otohime, why not five?

In the Schrödinger’s Toilet Method, first Seiji tells his girlfriend he’s going to go use the bathroom. This, though, is a ruse. After entering the bathroom, he hits all the otohime buttons. Then…

…with the sound of the otohime signaling that he’s still in the can…

…he heads to the store to get the condoms!

In this way, Seiji is, once again theoretically, simultaneously both in the bathroom and not in the bathroom.

Let’s go to the judge’s decision…

Once again, 8 out of 10 from Ikuna. Compared to walking around with night vision goggles on your head, Ikuna acknowledges that the Schrödinger’s Toilet method is much more grounded in the ways normal human beings might conduct themselves. However, this is still an imperfect plan. Even assuming you can make it to the store and back while the otohime sounds are still playing (either because they’re on toggle switches or just because their sound cycle is lengthy enough), your girlfriend is still going to think you’ve been in the bathroom a really, really long time. And remember, the otohime is specifically for when you’re popping, so she’s going to think you either have horrific diarrhea, or you just dropped a gargantuan deuce, which, barring some rather peculiar fetishes, probably aren’t thoughts that are going to have her feeling frisky.

Ikuna’s biggest problem with the Schrödinger’s Toilet Method, though, is that it made her feel lonely. At least with the Schrödinger’s Cat method she couldn’t say for sure that Seiji wasn’t next to her, but with Schrödinger’s Toilet, whether he was actually in the bathroom or at the store, there weren’t spending time face to face.

So that’s the problem Seiji sought to address with his third, and final, plan.

● Method 3: Robo Seiji

This is sort of an advanced technique. First, get out your life-size standee of yourself. When it seems like things are on track for sexual intercourse to occur, place the standee in front of your girlfriend. This solves the “spending time face-to-face” problem that Seiji discovered in the analysis of the Schrödinger’s Toilet results.

However, even if your girlfriend likes the strong, silent type, she’s probably still going to want you to contribute something to the conversation, even if it’s just the occasional murmur of “Ah, yeah, that’s true” or “Oh, wow, I never thought of it like that before.” So next you’ll need to get out some sturdy double-sided tape (which you should probably keep stored in the same place as your life-size standee, just so you’ve got them together in one spot).

Using the tape, attach a phone to the back of the standee and put it on speaker. You’re going to need a second phone too, because you’re going to call the phone you attached to the standee while you sneak off to the store to buy condoms, so that you can carry on a conversation without your girlfriend suspecting you’re not in the room anymore.

Finally, before you leave, attach your standee to your Roomba.

Depending on your apartment’s floor plan, you might want to keep a few songs in mind in case the Roomba’s course makes it look like you’ve started doing a mating dance.

▼ “♪ You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around ♪”

OK, Ikuna, how many points do you give Robo Seiji?

Wow, 120 points! Off the scale! “You’ve turned going to buy condoms into a form of entertainment!” she marvels.

So there you have it, fellas – there’s no need to bother with elaborate equipment like night vision goggles or poop noise-covering speakers. All you need is a life-size standee, two phones, and a Roomba, and you’re good to go! No more worrying about awkwardly losing the magic of the moment when you admit you weren’t prepared for love-making.

Or…maybe…and just hear us our before you decide whether this is crazy or not…you could just make sure you’ve always got a box of condoms in your apartment?

Now that we think about it, that’s probably the simpler solution. Should you decide to go that route, SKYN Premium says their condoms are designed to be as thin and comfortable as possible, allowing maximum sensation while still providing the safe sex and birth control benefits critical to conscientious copulation.

▼ They also have some pretty zany “going out to buy condoms at the last minute” scenarios of their own.

If buying condoms in person makes you feel self-conscious, they’re also available online here on Amazon Japan, so now Seiji has no excuse not to be ready when he finds love inside a vending machine can or elsewhere.

Related: SKYN Premium, SKYN Premium on Amazon Japan
Photos, GIFs ©SoraNews24
● Want to hear about SoraNews24’s latest articles as soon as they’re published? Follow us on Facebook and Twitter!
[ Read in Japanese ]