We don’t know about you fine people, but when our old bulletproof riot shields start looking a little worse for wear, we usually turn to good old Amazon for a replacement.

Just last week, in fact, I was buffing a few scratches out of my trusty ArmaLite-R50 model when my boss informed me that he’d stumbled upon a bargain on Amazon JP– a brand new bulletproof shield for just 650,000 yen (US$8,300 )…

Rather than the item itself, however, it’s one particular customer review of the shield that’s making headlines online this week…

With a rating of 4.5 stars out of 46 reviews, many happy customers had some incredible stories to tell, and couldn’t praise the shield enough.

Let’s take a look at some of the best one-liners:

  •  I took this particular model of bulletproof shield out for a ride on my local ski-resort’s challenging black runs.
  • As a result of buying this, the number of arguments I have had with my wife has escalated, however, I feel tremendously satisfied with my purchase as I have been provided with numerous opportunities to make use of the shield.
  • Just the other day, I was fortunate enough to fend off an attack from a crossbow and hatchet-wielding Mohican.
  • A friend of mine, whilst carrying the shield, was trampled by an enormous man on a black horse and lived to tell the tale.
  • However, as I discovered one day when arriving heavily fatigued at a tea-house, the shield cannot defend against magical attacks…
  • Whenever I venture outdoors with this shield, I often receive smiles and chuckles from the people around me.
  • Since my neighbourhood is riddled with gunfire, and frag, concussion and flash grenades are constantly hurtling through the air, it is difficult to move around freely. One young couple who had just recently moved to the area were ill-equipped for this, and found themselves unable to return home as a result. It is better to be prepared.
  • Nowadays, I don’t go anywhere without my shield. I mean, why tempt fate and risk being the victim in a Kennedy assassination-type scenario??
  • When my grandmother recommended this shield to me, I was, at first, incredibly sceptical. But after using it for just a short while, I honestly can’t thank her enough. Thanks to this shield, I’ve achieved my goal of losing 13kg of bodyweight. Thanks, grandma!!!
  • Since I live in extremely dangerous Gunma prefecture, where gunfire is particularly common, I’ve come to value and use this shield as an essential part of life.

Whether intended as clever satire—especially since firearms are illegal in Japan and few online shoppers will ever have need of a bulletproof shield—or simply the result of a group of users’ incredibly active imaginations, the reviews have nevertheless become a huge talking-point online.

Whoever the geniuses behind these reviews are, we here at RocketNews24, at least, are looking forward to reading more of their work. As long as they stay away from girl’s one-piece swimsuits.

Source: Byoukan Sunday