Pointless competitiveness, unbridled perversion, and mysterious sadness are all on the menu, says our experienced expert.

Our Japanese-language reporter Seiji doesn’t have a lot of experience dealing with women. Shy and almost friendless in middle school, Seiji then went to an all-boys high school, and even today his social circle consists almost entirely of guys.

As such, when Seiji gets together with his friends for a couple beers, it’s generally an all-male gathering. While this leaves the world of women a nebulous, undefined realm in his mind, it also means that Seiji has had plenty of opportunities to observe how the conversation will flow if there are no ladies within earshot, and so he’s put together the following list of 34 things that are likely to come up in the conversation at an all-guy drink-up.

1. A guy lets his true colors (perversion) show.
2. So do the guys he’s talking to.
3. For some reason, if a guy finds out he’s less perverted than the others, he feels depressed.
4. So he plays up how big a perv he is.
5. Before anyone realizes it, it becomes a contest to see who’s the biggest perv.

6. Someone starts telling funny stories about what happened with his ex-girlfriend.
7. For some reason, if a guy’s stories about his time with his ex-girlfriend aren’t as funny as everyone else’s, he feels depressed.
8. So he plays up those stories too.
9. Before anyone realizes it, it becomes a contest to see who had the craziest relationship with their ex.

10. Guys reveal the name of the first girl they had a crush on.
11. They still feel kind of embarrassed to say her name out loud.
12. But there’s nothing wrong with that.
13. They start talking about their favorite actresses.
14. They start talking about their favorite actresses (sexy actresses category).
15. They all get a lot more excited talking about the sexy actresses.
16. They pontificate on which of those actresses’ movies, scenes, or body parts they’re particularly impressed by.
17. They start talking about actresses they used to like (sexy actresses category).
18. And again, they get really, really excited about this topic.
19. If a guy finds he has weaker fetishes than the other guys, he feels depressed, and by this point that seems normal.
20. So he plays up how strong his fetishes are.
21. Before anyone realizes it, it becomes a contest to see who has the biggest fetish.

22. They start comparing notes about hostess bars and strip clubs.
23. The people who have a lot of experience with those kinds of places begin a lecture educating the inexperienced guys.
24. They start complaining about how much their workplaces suck.
25. If a guy finds out his workplace sucks less than the others’, of course he feels depressed.
26. So he plays up how much his workplace sucks.
27. Before anyone realizes it, it becomes a contest to see whose workplace sucks the most.

28. They start talking about female coworkers they’ve hung out with outside of work.
29. They talk about how excited they were then.

30. Hardly anyone says anything about their current girlfriend or wife.
31. If there’s a lull in the conversation, they start talking about how tough they were that one time they got in a fight with someone.
32. If a guy finds out he was less tough than the others, he feels depressed.
33. So he plays up how tough he was.
34. Before anyone realizes it, it becomes a contest to see…well, you get where this is going now, right?

So, according to Seiji, you can expect a conversation between guys knocking back cold ones to be primarily about sex, violence, and competition. Whether that’s a natural phenomenon for a group of guys who feel secure blowing off steam together or a reason why there’re no girls out with them is something that probably needs to be decided on a case-by-case basis.

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Insert images: Pakutaso (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
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Follow Casey on Twitter, where he’s actually pretty likely to brag about his wife if he’s had a few beers.

[ Read in Japanese ]