A shocking experiment, brought to you by the chief of SoraNews24’s Department of Bad Ideas.

You might not have guessed it from watching him drink the biggest cup of tapioca bubble tea in Tokyo or eat the largest sakura sweet bean bun we’ve ever seen, but our Japanese-language reporter Mr. Sato is actually a pretty fitness-conscious guy. Since the start of the coronavirus pandemic, he’s been trying to stay fit by exercising at home, but recently he’s started feeling out of shape.

Ordinarily, Mr. Sato sticks to a rigorous pole dancing regimen, but that’s not an option right now since he can’t go to the studio where he’d ordinarily work out. So in hopes of literally shocking his muscles back into peak condition, he went online and bought one of those electric muscle stimulation pad sets for 3,999 yen (US$37).

Mr. Sato’s is made by a company called Smart Fitness, and you’ve no doubt seen something like it offered in infomercials. You stick the pads (or wrap the bands) on your body, and they send out electric pulses that stimulate your muscles, promising an effective workout while you sit on the couch watching TV, playing video games, or reading manga.

However, like we said, Mr. Sato has been working out intensely for the last few years, and in that time he’s learned a few things about kinesiology. Honestly, he was skeptical about whether the device could really build up his abs, biceps, deltoids, or any other of the muscle groups it promised.

But what about other parts of the body? What about, for example, his face?

Could this be the secret to making himself even more handsome? There was only one way to find out: subjecting his face to the Smart Fitness’ electric shocks. Well, technically, there were two ways, if you count “subjecting his face to the Smart Fitness’ electric shocks without taking his shirt off,” but that’s just splitting hairs.

“I look cool, right? Like someone who just stepped out of Evangelion or Galaxy Express 999?” Mr. Sato asked us. We figured it was a rhetorical question, since if he hadn’t listened to us when we advised him against shocking his face, he probably wasn’t going to listen to our answer to his question now.

The Smart Fitness allows you to choose between nine levels of shock intensity. However, since it’s not designed to be put on your face, Mr. Sato wasn’t sure what setting he should use. He eventually decided to start with Level 2, trusting that his face was strong enough that it’d crave more stimulus than a wimpy Level 1 session would provide.

An with that, it was time to get started, so let’s go to the video!

https://www.instagram.com/p/CAUFQkFJgaG/

So how did it feel, Mr. Sato?

“As soon as I switched on the power, my face went numb!! Why!? Why did it go numb!?”

We’re not scientists, but we feel pretty confident that Mr. Sato’s face went numb because he was repeatedly shocking it with electricity. And if you think that the discomfort was greatest a t his nose, cheeks, or lips, think again.

“With every zap, it was like a burst of stars burst into being right in front of my eyeballs, blinking in and out of existence on the inner surfaces of my eyelids. It was just like the sensation of falling down and violently hitting your head, and it continued the whole time the power was on.”

So there you have it – strapping an electric muscle stimulation pad to your face will NOT make you more handsome, and may very well make you go blind. Luckily Mr. Sato shut the pad off in less than a minute, and doesn’t seem to have suffered any permanent damage, but regardless of the duration, this is something we advise against. If you absolutely must improve your appearance, we suggest following one of Mr. Sato’s less body-sacrificing plans, like raiding your dad’s wardrobe for a few timeless fashions.

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[ Read in Japanese ]