Live by the tea, die by the tea.

It was an ordinary day in the office when our website’s founder Yoshio approached writer P.K. Sanjun with a grim expression.

He was mumbling something to himself to the effect of “this is too dangerous,” and “only P.K. can do it,” before handing him a mysterious envelope.

 

“I have a deadly assignment for you today. For some reason I received a letter from Ito En, challenging us to a mixed martial arts contest.”

 

 

 

“Ito En the tea maker? Oi Ocha Ito En? That’s dumb.”

 

 

 

 

“No it’s not dumb. It’s super serious. I’m told that this is the biggest match in the world. Are you going to let them crush us?”

 

 

 

“I don’t get why a tea company wants to crush us.”

 

 

“Argh! Just come with me. I’ll explain on the way.”

 

 

Yoshio didn’t explain anything, however. Instead, he just dragged P.K. into another room.

There he handed P.K. some wrestling tights and boots and left, slamming the door behind him.

P.K. put on the gear and tried to mentally prepare himself for a fight to the death against a major producer of tea.

He then journeyed to the headquarters of Ito En where he came face-to-face once again with company rep Kakuno-san. The two had met previously in the tea fields of Sayama and Kakuno-san was rather grumpy towards our reporter, just because P.K. constantly called him Katsuno-san by mistake.

No doubt, he was to be the first challenger P.K. would have to kill…or knock out, or whatever it was he was sent to do.

 

“P.K., hey! I’ve been waiting for you!”

 

 

 

 

“Oh an ambush, eh? Screw that. Prepare to die!!!”

 

 

“What? No, sorry. I thought your boss would have told you. What you’re here for is standing by inside.”

 

 

 

“‘Standing by?’ Does that mean I can go in swinging right away?”

 

 

 

“Sure? I guess…”

 

 

 

“By the way, whoever we’re going to see; would you say they’re fierce?”

 

 

 

 

“Oh yes. They are very passionate and take their jobs seriously. Real pros.”

 

 

 

“‘Pros’ with an ‘s?'”

 

 

 

 

“Yup, there’s four of them.”

 

 

 

 

“A handicap match eh? This just keeps getting worse. Pretty dirty play for a tea maker.”

 

 

As they headed for the ring, P.K. mentally prepared himself to take on four fighters at once. He looked back to his days on the mean streets of Ichikawa, Chiba, where he was known as The Rabid Dog of Motokitakata.

There was no turning back now, and he wouldn’t give up until Ito En was renamed Sora En and rivers of tea and blood poured from the windows.

They finally arrived at the meeting room, and P.K. peeked his head in the door in case they tried to jump him right away.

He then crept in a little further.

▼ “Huh?”

▼ “Outrage?”

Inside stood four stocky men in suits with mean looks on their faces – stone cold killers if P.K. ever saw them. P.K. was saddened that Ito En and all their delicious tea was in business with these scoundrels, but he would put an end to that once and for all.

He got into his fighting stance and sized up his opponents. Choosing the strongest-looking one to attack first, he geared up for a debilitating “P.K. Spear” to the midsection.

▼ “Gyaaaaaaaaah!”

▼ “Aaaaaaaaaaaah!”

▼ “Aaaaaaaaaaaah!”

▼ “Aaaaaa…[gasp]…aaaaaah!”

▼ “Aaaaaaaaaaaah!”

▼ “Ooof!”

The spear was effective and one hitman was curled up in agony. However, they had the numbers and in an instant another Ito En goon snuck up behind P.K. and restrained him. P.K. quickly passed out as a result. He wasn’t in any kind of chokehold but he didn’t get much sleep the night before and it was way past snack time.

He came to in another room, once again surrounded by the cast of Outrage. One man handed him a sheet of paper.

▼ “How to make tea?”

On the table in front of him was all the materials needed to brew his own tea from scratch.

 

“What? We already did this?”

 

 

▼ “…”

 

“You guys taught me how to make good tea…on the farm. Remember?”

 

 

▼ “…”

 

“Did I not dry it properly last time?”

 

 

▼ “…”

 

“One minute in the microwave is too much. I get it!”

 

 

▼ “…”

 

“Someone say something!!!”

 

 

Not knowing what else to do. P.K. started making tea. Like he did on the plains of Sayama, P.K. dried the leaves by putting them in the microwave for 50 seconds but being extra careful not to let the aroma escape.

Next, he would have to separate the leaves, stems and powder. It was a painstaking process that would take nearly an hour to complete.

Meanwhile, back at the office, Yoshio gathered the staff for a moment of silence to honor P.K. for his ultimate sacrifice.

▼ Yoshio: “P.K. – who by now has probably been reduced to a head on a stake and a bloody dismembered torso in the lobby of Ito En, gnawed at by tea hounds – was a good man. Not great, but he bought me ramen that one time and forgot to ask me to pay him back. That was pretty cool.”

Back at Ito En HQ, P.K. had just finished sorting his tea plant parts. He didn’t really see the point since it was all the same stupid plant anyway. But, if he was going to get past these thugs, he’d have to brew an Oi Ocha caliber tea.

After that he just had to roast the leaves slightly, again just enough so that the aroma wouldn’t escape. This was a lot easier than the previous step though.

Next he just blended the plant parts evenly and started brewing. Once it was complete he was sure he had a fine cup of tea in his possession.

Except that it wasn’t.

Suddenly, Kakuno-san entered the room with a smile on his face.

 

“Not so easy, is it?”

 

 

 

“No Katsuno-san. I mean, it’s not bad, but nowhere near as good as Oi Ocha. I don’t get why though, since it’s just boiling one plant.”

 

 

 

 

“It’s Kak…”

 

 

Suddenly applause broke out in the room. It was the cast of Outrage who suddenly appeared very friendly and removed their masks to reveal big smiles.

 

“Because you are a total amateur, of course you couldn’t do it. But you worked hard and that’s what counts.”

 

 

“We just wanted you to understand how hard it is to make Oi Ocha.”

 

 

 

 

“The powder provides the color, the leaves provide the flavor, and the stems are responsible for the aroma and taste.”

 

 

“The proper roasting time can vary by seconds depending on the condition of the plant. Now do you understand the commitment of Ito En to tea making?”

 

 

 

“Yes, glasses guy. Yes I do.”

 

 

 

“You see, if we just told you a lot of effort went into making Oi Ocha, you wouldn’t believe us. To laymen it’s just boiling plants.”

 

 

 

“You got that right, Katsuno-san. I really get it now. You could probably sell a bottle for 1,200 yen (US$11) and I’d still buy it.”

 

 

 

“Ka… Good. Then please spread the word.”

 

 

And so, P.K. learned the true meaning of tea that day, but there was something that still bothered him.

 

“Wait a minute. So, what was all that stuff about a mixed martial arts contest?”

 

 

“Oh that’s part of our upcoming campaign called the Midsummer Roasting Grand Challenge. In it, various celebrities and YouTubers will try making their own tea like you just did. We’re calling each individual challenge a ‘mixed martial arts contest’ for fun.”

 

 

 

 

“I…see… So… Why am I wearing a wrestling costume?”

 

 

 

“I was going to ask you that myself, but you just starting attacking everyone so fast and then fainted right away.”

 

 

 

 

“But who are these burly guys in suits?”

 

 

 

“Those are our certified in-house tea tasters… You speared a tea taster.”

 

 

 

“Oh…”

 

 

Although he entered Ito En headquarters with the intent to kill everyone, P.K. ended up leaving with a deeper respect for them and all the work they do. He promised to use his powers as a writer to spread the word, and tell everyone what swell people were behind Oi Ocha. Thus arose a great celebration.

▼ “Hip! Hip!”

▼ “Hurraaay!!!”

P.K. probably would have come to the same conclusion without all the pretense of combat though, which reminded our writer of one more score he had to settle…

▼ “Yoshio…”

▼ “Yoshio…”

▼ “YOSHIOOOOOO!!!”

Yoshio, however, was completely unaware that P.K. was gunning for him. Still under the assumption that Ito En had torn P.K. limb from limb, he was in the dark both figuratively and literally as his heartfelt eulogy entered its second hour.

▼ Yoshio: “It’s times like this that I’m reminded of the loss I felt when Krillin was taken from us too soon…the second time, I mean. And much like Krillin’s death, the loss of P.K. will serve to make me stronger than ever and give me lush golden locks…”

Little did Yoshio know that, also like Krillin, P.K. would return stronger that ever, having trained in the palace of Ito En and learning the mighty Oi Ocha technique.

Related: Ito En Oi Ocha
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[ Read in Japanese ]