Followers are demanding crocodile tears.

These are certainly trying times for anyone who has money invested in the stock market, as President Donald Trump seems intent on recreating the final scene of Fight Club. But perhaps the ones having the hardest time dealing with this current period of extreme downward volatility are the investment mascots of Japan.

For example, take Tsumitate Wanisa, an alligator (“wani” in Japanese) who represents the Incremental Nippon Individual Savings Account (Tsumitate NISA), a part of a government program to encourage citizens to make small, regular investments by offering tax-free returns. It has a magical tail that steadily grows just as your portfolio would under the sound investments in a Tsumitate NISA.

Tsumitate Wanisa was charged by Japan’s Financial Services Agency with spearheading a public awareness campaign via social media where it posted almost daily. For years, it did its job with aplomb and everyone was happy as the bottom line steadily inched upward. However, on 24 March the financial alligator made what was to be its final post…

▼ “Is there anything you all want?
Wanisa wants a car in the future.
In order to buy a car someday…
If I put away 25,000 yen a month and get a three percent return the whole time… I might just be able to get it when I need it!”

A few days of silence from Tsumitate Wanisa later, Trump declared his policy of sweeping tariffs which would send markets around the world on the highway to hell aboard a monkey-piloted, jet-engined hotrod. And as the world struggles to come to terms with this new development, Tsumitate Wanisa is nowhere to be found.

This is all much to the chagrin of its over 15,000 followers, all of whom presumably have money invested in NISA… or rather “had” money invested in NISA and demanded answers.

“Hey, alligator! Post something! You haven’t updated us since 24 March!”
“Hey, f*#&ing alligator! What’s the deal, Wanisa? What are you going to do about the precious money we earned with the blood, sweat, and tears of our aging bodies by desperately fulfilling work obligations? The money that is our very life? Aren’t you ashamed you stopped posting on 24 March? Apologize, you idiot!”
“How does your little graph look now, Wanisa?!”
“This is misrepresentation and could end up in court.”
“Show yourself, Wanisa, or whoever’s in charge at the FSA! As soon as I invested it became Niagara Falls. What’s up?”
“Did you get pleasure from deceiving innocent civilians?”
“Update us, Wanisa! How will you buy a car now?”
“If you were any kind of investment alligator worth a damn, you’d be telling us that low points like this are times to buy!”

In Tsumitate Wani’s defense, it is the “incremental investment alligator” in that it advocates making reasonably sized and periodic investments over an extended period of time to minimize risk. With such a plan, even a major crash like this will likely turn out alright in the long run and Tsumitate Wani will still be able to buy its used Corolla — because I can’t imagine it buying anything better than that for 3.5 million yen (US$24,000) 10 years from now. Still, good luck trying to explain that to an angry mob, so I can’t blame an alligator for laying low.

People hit hardest by this current crash would be those involved with Seicho, or lump-sum investing options of a General NISA. Unfortunately, there is no animal mascot for this option and thus no one to take anger out on. However, I have Scuttlebutt, the robot a primitive AI trained on 10 years of my writing came up with, to stand in as a NISA mascot and take any verbal abuse you may have.

▼ Don’t worry. He can take it. His life is pain.

In the meantime, stay safe with your money and be sure to only follow the financial planning advice of reliable and trustworthy animals, foods, and/or magical beings.

Source: X/@Wa_nisa_FSA, FSA, My Game News Flash
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