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So here’s a tricky question: do desserts count as masculine or feminine food? On the one hand, a slice of chocolate cake is just as bold a statement of your culinary decadence as a nice fried pork cutlet. In either case, it’s at least a little wild and macho to eat something with such shaky nutritional value yet unquestionable deliciousness, similar to how I rationalize eating a pack of ham out of the fridge when I’m too lazy to go buy bread for a sandwich as being a natural result of my raging testosterone.

On the other hand, sweets are, well, sweet. Truly red-blooded males can’t even bring themselves to utter the word “sweet” unless they add “taste of revenge” after it while clenching a fist and glaring at the horizon.

Thankfully, Japanese convenience store chain Family Mart is here to help end this confusion with a line of desserts tailor-made for everybody born with a Y chromosome.

Family Mart already has an existing line of proprietary sweets called Sweets +, and their cheesecake received a Monde Selection Gold Award this year. Of course, a pasty pale-colored cake being recognized by a panel of Belgian gourmands isn’t going to convince a lot of guys that chowing down on a slice won’t damage their street cred.

▼ Unless, of course, each and every member of said panel is Jean-Calude Van Damme

As an alternative to its dainty Sweets + offerings, in 2010 Family Mart created the Ore no Sweets line, with “Ore no” being the most masculine of the many ways to say “my” in Japanese.

What sets the Ore no Sweets products apart from other Family Mart desserts are their larger size and reduced sweetness, plus their no-nonsense package emblazoned with a man in a business suit. Returning after a two year absence are Family Mart’s Ore no Tiramisu and Ore no Éclair.

The 350 yen (US$3.60) Ore no Tiramisu is an obvious choice for manly hunter-gatherers. After all, what real man doesn’t like a jolt of coffee? Add in the fact that it’s 2.6 times bigger than Family Mart’s regular tiramisu, while only 1.8 times the price, and you’ve got the double shot of masculinity represented by big size and economic dominance.

▼ The Ore no Tiramisu, unleashed

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The 230 yen (US $2.40) Ore no Éclair, meanwhile, is only 1.5 times the size of Family Mart’s regular éclair, and at 1.53 times the price, means that in terms of dessert per yen you’re actually getting the short end of the stick here. However, it does allow you the chance to invite your date back to your place to “nibble on Ore no Éclair;” a line so cringeworthy/smooth that James Bond himself would use it (assuming budget cuts force him to start procuring his supplies from convenience stores).

▼ Easy there, James. “Canned Asahi, shaken, not stirred,” is just going to end up with foam all over the hotel room.

Ore no Tiramisu and Ore no Éclair both went on sale on July 11. Family Mart has hinted at expanding the line too, and if they do we recommend stocking up in case the cast of The Expendables decides to stop by to watch Monday Night Football. We hear Schwarzenegger and Stallone go absolutely ballistic if you offer them both the same kind of cake.

Source: Family Mart
Top image: Family Mart