Rumor has it that among the numerous maid cafés, manga, DVD, and video game shops in Akihabara, Tokyo, there exists a unique corner full of vending machines.

The machines contain typical fare for Japan – colas, teas, snacks, condoms, and such – but are guarded by savage penalties unbecoming of the general levels of politeness in this country. In fact, often involving dismemberment, these penalties seem more at home in a bleak post-apocalyptic Thunderdome type society than urban Tokyo.

Few know about this legendary group of vending machines outside of Akihabara aficionados. So our reporter, Kuzo, decided to venture up the electric river of Akihabara in search of the Heart of Vending Machine Darkness.

After hours of searching, then taking breaks to rehydrate and play Taiko no Tatsujin, Kuzo finally found the mythical machines of doom.

At first glance they look like your average group of beverage, snack, oden, and condom machines that can be found all over the country. It would even be possible to use these machines without noticing the sadistic penalties surrounding them.

But when looking closely (often in that yellow label maker tape identical to the regular polite warning messages) here’s what Kuzo read:

Warnings on Akihabara Vending Machine Corner

■  “Post No Bills, or we cut off your fingers.”

■  “Whether a man or woman, anyone caught making graffiti will have their genitals cut off with a carving knife.”

■  “Any posters, doodles, or bad art on this vending machine will result in chopping off all your fingers and toes.”

■  “This is not a toilet. Anyone peeing or crapping, regardless of gender, will have crotch and face photos and videos permanently and publicly posted.”

Kuzo felt a chill run through him as he read these notices. “There must be a lot of people pooping and putting up posters” he thought to himself.  He could really feel the anger of these machines owners.

Perhaps what unsettled Kuzo more was the series of stickers which made no sense whatsoever. Cryptic messages like “Canned Chicken Grilled Balls a Plenty” and “Sorry for the Showa” led him to believe the issuers of these messages were highly unstable.

Despite the unwelcoming atmosphere, Kuzo was still impressed by the high level of convenience this group of machines offered. If you can overlook the menacing threats you can get a lot done here.

There was even a photo ID booth! Now Kuzo knows where to go when he has to renew his Kawaii Ward residency. He just has to remember to use the toilet before he leaves home.

Original Article: Kuzo

▼ “Any posters, doodles, or bad art on this vending machine will result in chopping off all your fingers and toes.”

▼ “…all your fingers and toes!”

▼ “Whether a man or woman, anyone caught making graffiti will have their genitals cut off with a carving knife.”

▼ “WARNING： This is not a toilet. Anyone peeing or crapping, regardless of gender, will have crotch and face photos and videos permanently and publicly posted.”

▼ “Post No Bills, or we cut off your fingers.”

▼ Of course the condom machine wouldn’t threaten to cut off your genitals. They’d lose a customer.

[ Read in Japanese ]