Need a gift to ensure your friends never forget you? How about a ridiculously huge teddy bear!

Ready to troll your friends by sending them a ~~traditional~~ incredibly inconvenient Japanese gift? Then read on!

I don’t know about you, but I have a lot of friends who love showing off their “babies” and their “houses” while I’m over here just getting excited over ninja waiters and drawing toys for children. If only there was a gift I could send them for their housewarming parties and babies’ birthdays that would really express my innermost feelings as authentically as possible….

And now, thanks to our RocketNews24 Japanese-side writer Yoshio, I think I may have an idea. He recently wrote about his experience trolling his friends by sending them a very unique housewarming/baby shower gift, and what follows is the English translation, presented for all of us to learn from. Take it away, Yoshio!

My friend (who we’ll call “Yashipon”) recently bought a house. He’s been my friend ever since middle school when we played soccer together, all the way through college and up to now, so I really felt like I had to get him something as a housewarming present. I also never sent him anything to congratulate him on the birth of his child, so our friendship was more or less riding on me getting him a good gift.

So I wondered, what could I get him that would not only make a good housewarming present, but a good “congratulations on having a child” present too? Then it hit me.

A giant bear.

▼ Yes. This is definitely a good idea.

Amazon Japan

A giant bear was perfect. Children love it, and Yashipon could even use it as a couch or something in his new house. Plus I didn’t even have to deliver it myself. All I had to do was order it on Amazon, have it shipped to my friend’s house, and I’d finish my adult-duties for hopefully the next decade or so.

Or at least, that’s what I thought. A few days later I got a call from Yashipon. I couldn’t wait to hear how excited he was over the new addition to his family/house. Here’s how our conversation went:

Yashipon: Did you send me something?
Me: What? Of course! I sent you a great housewarming/congratulations-on-having-a-kid-sorry-I-forgot present. Do you love it?
Yashipon: Uh….
Me: What’s wrong?
Yashipon: Well, I haven’t opened it yet. There’s just this giant, sketchy-looking package on my doorstep that has a Chinese return address. I thought you might have something to do with it….
Me: Oh yeah! That’s my present for sure. Why haven’t you opened it yet?
Yashipon: Uh, because it’s a giant package from China! It doesn’t have your name on it or anything. Who knows what’s inside?
Me: It’s a surprise.
Yashipon: I don’t like surprises. What is it?
Me: It’s a big, fluffy surprise that wants to give you a hug!
Yashipon: Oh god. Did you smuggle a panda from China?
Me: No, it’s a giant teddy bear!
Yashipon: …
Me: You still there, buddy?
Yashipon: I’m going to return this.
Me: No! Wait! Your kid will love it!
Yashipon: Remind me why we’re friends again?

So apparently when I ordered the bear from Amazon, they didn’t bother to put my name on the package, just the name of the Chinese manufacturer. If you place an order yourself, you might want to watch out for this, unless the idea of a giant, anonymous package just sitting on your friend’s doorstep intimidating them for hours on end delights you as much as it delighted me.

After Yoshipon hung up, all I could do was wait for his next phone call, when he would obviously tell me how much he loved the gift. I waited for a few days, wondering if he was trying to figure out how to send the package directly to me for revenge, or if the bear had somehow warmed his frigid heart and he decided to keep it.

Finally, the call came:

Yashipon: Hi.
Me: Hey! How’s the bear? Does your kid love it?
Yashipon: The thing is huge! Did you know how big it was going to be? I’m returning it to you.
Me: Oh I’m so glad to hear that you’re enjoying it. No need to thank me by sending anything though.
Yashipon: You know, actually, I think I’ll do one better. I’m going to send you the pictures of when we opened it.
Me: Why?
Yashipon: So you can see the horror that we had to see.
Me: …
Yashipon: See ya soon, buddy!

A few minutes later, these pictures arrived on my phone:

▼ Oh! It’s my package. I don’t get it though. Nothing out of the ordinary here…

▼ OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!

▼ I mean, er, what an adorable present I bought for my friend!

▼ Ha! The kid does love it. That’s gotta be good for at least, like, six or seven birthdays right?

So what I had originally envisioned as a giant troll gift that would do nothing more than take up space and inconvenience actually turned out to be a pretty cool present. In fact, it was so cool that we decided to get one ourselves for the RocketNews24 Japanese office.

That didn’t go quite as planned, though…

SoraNews24 —Japan News—