Seiji’s fake interviews in order to audition his guitar playing are getting dangerously close to real interviews.

Although he has established himself as one of the top writers here, Seiji Nakawa’s real passion has always been in music. With a goal of becoming a career musician, he has lately been abusing his clout here to gain access to celebrities with an ulterior motive to audition his guitar skills to them – and we let him, because it’s usually funny.

This time a chance to interview Yoshiko Sengen arose. Formerly known as Fumika Shimizu, the 23-year-old actress (Kamen Rider, Hentai Kamen, Tokyo Ghoul) and model had announced her retirement from showbusiness in 2017, only to return under her new name and the management of ARI, run by the religious group Happy Science.

In addition to acting, Seiji had learned that Sengen’s hobby was playing guitar and dabbling in songwriting. That was all he needed to know…

Slapping on his wig and tight clothing, Seiji once again summoned the spirit of neo-classical guitar legend Yngwie Malmsteen.

Like a rising force, the Swedish virtuoso entered Seiji’s body, causing his legs to contort involuntarily into a classic Malmsteen lunge.

Unfortunately, it took about thirty minutes for Seiji to regain control of his legs, making the first block or so of his walk to the interview location very uncomfortable.

It took another ten minutes for Seiji to be able to put his arm down again, but once he did, he had fully harnessed the power of Yngwie Malmsteen.

Seiji’s logic was quite simiple: No one in their right mind refuses Malmsteen from joining their band, and you’d be a fool not to ask him to join yourself. If Seiji can harness at least a tenth of that mojo, then his chances of getting accepted by someone increase monumentally.

Granted, it hadn’t worked the first two times. But Non-chan and Andrew W.K. were already in bands, and it would have been rude for them to break their previous commitments. Yoshiko Sengen, however, was free to make a band whenever the opportunity should arise – and baby, it was about to arise now!

The air inside the interview room was still, cold, and silent except for the crinkling of leather pants.

Bored, Malmsteen looked over at the poster standing in the middle of the room for an anime called The Laws of the Universe Part 1 (Uchu no Ho – Reimei Hen).

“Huh, what’s this?” asked the guitarist’s guitarist.

“It’s a movie,” replied Seiji’s personality from a dark corner of his own brain, “The lady we’re interviewing today is a voice actress in it. It was written and produced by Ryuho Okawa, the head of the Happy Science religion.”

“Oh yeah? What’s it about?”

“It’s about different alien races and their involvement in the dawn of humanity on Earth.”

“Sounds pretty epic. I could probably make a kick-ass soundtrack for it. Maybe open with Far Beyond the…”

“OH MY GOD HERE SHE IS! IT’S REALLY HER!!!”

Seiji’s persona sprung back into the forefront, accidentally shoving Yngwie Malmsteen into a puddle of neurons. Suddenly, the confident aura of a rock star melted away and Seiji’s posture began to crumple back into that of a timid romance simulator enthusiast.

Someone handed Seiji a page of notes, and he realized that aside from having watched the movie, he hadn’t prepared for this interview at all.

Seiji: “So… Like… How was it making the movie?”

Sengen: “This is a sequel to The Laws of the Universe Part 0 (UFO Gakuen No Himitsu), and I saw it during my Fumika Shimizu period while I was working on something else. So, now that I got the chance to be a part of this one… Oh, I was really happy.”

Seiji: “I see…”

Seiji: “…”

Seiji: “So, is it okay to call you Fumika Shimizu?”

Sengen: “Oh yes totally! That’s what it says on my birth certificate after all.”

Seiji: “I see… I see…”

Seiji: [Fumbles with paper]

Seiji: “Um, Ms. Shimizu, er, Ms. Sengen… I wanna talk about rape…”

Sengen: “…”

Seiji: “Um… [squinting at paper].. Rae-uh-Reptilians (reptile-like humanoid creatures)… Do you think they exist?”

Sengen: “I totally think so. Not just reptilians but other races from the Vega and Pleiades star systems. It would seem that the effects of each star produces different characteristics. I’ve believed that for a long time. When I look back at my Fumika Shimizu period I think, ‘Oh I was totally like someone from the Vega system’ [laughs].”

Seiji: “Haha! Yeah…”

Despite comparing herself to a Vegan – the celestial kind not the dietary kind – Sengen’s character in The Laws of the Universe Part 1 was quite the opposite. In the film she voices the queen of the Reptilians Zamaza who leads the invasion of Earth.

This was a real departure from Sengen’s actual character of a relaxed and rather sweet person. However, she also confided in Seiji that she admired the coolness of Zamaza and some of the queen may have rubbed off during the making of the film.

This is all information that Seiji was yielding from the famous actress by asking her questions. It was almost like a real interview was taking place when suddenly…

“Hey Jackass!”

Yngwie Malmsteen called out to Seiji while picking pieces of white matter out of his long hair, “What gives? Did you forget why you’re here?”

Seiji responded, “But we’re having a good time, and I might even be getting good at this whole interviewing stuff…”

“Oh shut up. I was enjoying a pretty f****n fantastic curry when you summoned me, so pick up the damn guitar already!”

Suddenly Seiji began to feel panicked. Segen patiently stared at him as he fumbled for his pick with his now rubbery hands. He wasn’t sure if he could do it this time, but he had no choice. There’s nothing worse than having a hangry Yngwie trapped in your brain.

Suddenly, Seiji pressed play on the drum track and began working the fretboard. Malmsteen’s spirit was in full effect.

At one point he even drew close to her, and the pair head-banged in unison to Seiji’s tasty licks.

As usual the actual performance was a bit of a blur to Seiji but judging by Sengen’s reaction he didn’t do half bad.

Sitting back down with all the confidence of a young Malmsteen who had just won the Best Rock Album award from Guitar Player Magazine, he gave Sengen some time to compose herself before inevitably begging him to form a band with her.

Unlike Seiji, Sengen seemed to deal with the nervous nellies by laughing…a lot. Since time was limited he decided to help her along.

Seiji: “So anyway, it’d be pretty cool if we formed a band, eh?”

Sengen: “Oh… Form a band…um.”

Seiji: “It’s okay. Go ahead and say what’s in your heart.”

Sengen: “Uh yeah, well…”

Sengen: “How about in the next next next life?”

Seiji: “Huh?”

Sengen: “I can’t form any bands right now.”

Seiji: “…”

Seiji was trying to crunch the numbers in his head and figured it would probably take a millennium or so until his third afterlife comes around. It was a bit of a wait, but at least he could get a firm commitment from her.

▼ Watch the entire interview here. Seiji’s guitar performance begins after four minutes.

With the interview finished, the two future bandmates posed for a photo and parted ways, probably for the rest of this existence.

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Leaving the room, Seiji looked around the hallway and asked into the air, “Hey Yngwie? Isn’t this when you give me some kind of motivational advice or something?”

“No, screw you.” Malmsteen said as he materialized near Seiji, “You blew this one yourself with your stupid questions. Tell you what, next time try channeling Barbara Walters and leave me the hell alone!”

With that, Malmsteen vanished and Seiji walked home sheepishly along the cold autumn streets of Tokyo. At least he left with a promise that transcends space and time, and that was something no moody hallucinatory rock god could ever take from him.

More Seiji & Yngwie Malmsteen Interviews
Rena “Non” Nonen
Andrew W.K.

Images: SoraNews24
[ Read in Japanese ]