An important reminder to always heed the old advice, “When you want to tell her how you really feel, don’t, for the love of God, tell her with poo.”

Even as our world descends into such sordid cynicism that even Hello Kitty isn’t above calling her fans a bunch of “motherfu****s,” we haven’t entirely lost the capacity to fall in love at first sight. That’s exactly what happened to a 17-year-old boy in Kobe late last July, during his final summer vacation before high school graduation.

But some guys are too shy to express their feeling vocally, and this young man opted for the time-tested method of putting his feelings down in writing. It’s unclear whether he left the letter in the mailbox or bicycle basket of his objet d’amour, but we do know that his missive included the declaration “I fell in love with you at first sight.”

Quite the romantic, eh? The letter even included an ardent request that she meet him by the bike rack outside her apartment building. Unfortunately, the teen was unable to keep his streak of sweetly steamy sentiments flowing for the entire letter, as he also included the ultimatum “If you do not come, I will post videos of you in the bath on Twitter.”

This turned out to be an offer the woman, who is 20 years old and lives in the same neighborhood of Higashinada Ward as the boy, could, and did, refuse (whether or not the boy actually was in possession of nude videos of her has yet to be confirmed). When his twisted love letter failed to produce the desired result, the boy switched tactics again. But instead of trying to woo the older woman with expensive store-bought gifts, he chose to give of himself…literally.

According to the Kobe Metropolitan Police, on no less than three separate occasions between July 30 and August 9, the boy spread “his bodily waste” on the seat of the woman’s bicycle while it was parked at night, having recognized the bike as belonging to her.

▼ The longest way to a woman’s heart is through her disgusted, disgusted nostrils.

The woman had already gone to the police after receiving the letter, and investigators say they were able to identify the boy as the perpetrator from security footage. On October 30 he was placed under arrest and is being charged with violations of anti-stalking and intimidation laws (making him the second Hyogo Prefecture teen arrested for writing/reading-related crimes on that very day).

For his part, he says he “Absolutely no recollection” of committing the acts he’s accused of, and one has to wonder if his protestations of innocence are more motivated by a desire to escape criminal punishment, or because he thinks he might still have a shot with the woman.

Source: Yahoo! Japan News/Sankei Shimbun via Otakomu
Top image: Pakutaso
Insert images: Pakutaso (1, 2)

You can follow Casey on Twitter, but don’t expect him to post any videos of himself in the bath.