SP 5

Deplorable as they may be, you can at least follow the severely twisted logic behind the numerous train gropings and panty thefts in Japan. Men, in general, enjoy touching the female body and looking at sexy lingerie, and those transgressions are the result of despicable individuals whose enjoyment isn’t sufficiently lessened by a lack of important things like “consent” or “a girl actually inside the underwear.”

What’s a little harder to understand, though, is what ill-gotten benefit a man could procure by vomiting on unsuspecting women, as one suspect in Hokkaido is being accused of.

Police from Sapporo’s Southern Precinct have arrested Toru Sugawara, a 30-year-old restaurant worker who stands charges of assault with a disgusting weapon: his own barf.

The accusations come from a 23-year-old woman who was walking through the city’s Minami Kujo Nishi area on the night of June 8. At roughly 11:20 p.m. she encountered Sugawara, who was riding in the opposite direction on his bicycle. The woman claims that as they passed by each other, Sugawara deliberately vomited on her.

Authorities feel this wasn’t an isolated incident, either. Four other women in their 20s or 30s reported being attacked in a similar manner in the same part of the city between May and July this year.

Sugawara has denied the charges, but reports say lab technicians tested vomit recovered from the crime scene against the suspect’s DNA, and confirmed it be a match.

“God, I hate my job.”

SP 1

In light of this evidence, things are looking pretty bleak for Sugawara, so we’re predicting his legal counsel will go with one of these three possible defenses.


SP 2

“This is all a misunderstanding. My client was simply enjoying a late-night snack of bananas and Sprite, and was overcome by the urge to vomit at that particular moment.”


SP 3

“This is outrageous! The defendant is a yabusame (horseback archery) practitioner. Although it’s unfortunate that the woman was struck, it’s out of the question that he be punished for substituting his steed and arrows for the safer alternatives for a bike and vomit while training on the city streets!”


SP 4

“Due to the instable nature of restaurant work, my client is seeking to change careers and enter the acting field. In light of the recent trend of adapting animation and comics to live action, he’s determined that the next series to get such treatment will be the 1994 anime DNA 2. To prepare for his eventual audition, my client, following method-acting principles, has copied the main character’s unique social anxiety disorder of vomiting in nervousness when in close proximity to a woman.”

Not the most plausible explanations, to be sure, which just underlines an important point. If you don’t have an excuse that holds water, maybe you should hold your puke.

Source: Jin, Jiji
Top image: YouTube
Insert images: City of Edmonton, YouTube, Ogasawara Yabusame, Wikia