I saw Santa kissing the sky.

Oh, you had better not pout. You had better not cry. You had better watch out and I am currently telling you why. Santa Claus will come to town if you order him in the Tonde Santa (Flying Santa) firework from Rakuten like our explosives correspondent Masanuki Sunakoma did for 1,650 yen (US$11).

By the way, the name appears to be an attempt to cash in on the movie Tonde Saitama (Fly Me To The Saitama), but it’s also an apt description of this novelty item because this Santa does indeed fly. Masanuki examined the package and though it’s well-known that ol’ Saint Nick has a twinkle in his eyes, he never knew it was quite this piercing.

The website explains that this firework is intended to be used during the daytime because rather than brilliantly glowing sparks Santa himself is said to emerge from this rocket and parachute back to Earth, similar to the Tonde Little Bear from 2021. He won’t be bringing toys to all the good children this time, however, because it’s his off-season.

It is also said that whoever catches Santa on his descent to the planet’s surface will have their wish come true. We should point out that Masanuki was the only person who said this, but it was said and it seems like a nice feature of this item.

Our reporter headed out into the blazing afternoon sun to set Santa off. He was extra careful compared to previous fireworks articles. The most important thing was to set it up on a flat surface so it doesn’t tip over. Other fireworks can still manage to be a spectacle even if shooting sideways, but Tonde Santa would just be sad this way.

Masanuki only had one shot at this or else he would have to buy another one. Confident in his location and camera setup, he lit the fuse.

▼ Tonde Santa: “Tsssssssss…”

When the fuse reached its end, a powerful pop was heard, and up the chimney Santa rose.

And boy did he ever rise! There was something nostalgic about seeing Kris Kringle fly into the air. It was like a cartoon where Baikinman or Team Rocket were dealt the final blow and soared so far into the blue sky they were reduced to a twinkle.

As his descent slowed, Masanuki expected the parachute stage to begin.

▼ Masanuki: “Santa, this is ground control. You’re currently at ten-nine-niner feet. Prepare to deploy chute, over…”
Tonde Santa: “…”

▼ Masanuki: “Santa, this is ground control! REPEAT! DO! YOU! COPY! Over…”
Tonde Santa: “…”

▼ Masanuki: “Santa! SANTAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Santa’s chute never opened and he fell to the ground like a bowl full of jelly. Masanuki wasn’t able to catch him either because he was too busy documenting the launch.

He raced to the crash site in hopes that Saint Nick would soon be all right.

Seeing any lifeless body facedown in a field is soul-crushing, to say the least, but seeing Santa Claus lying facedown in a field only added to the devastating realization.

He was even dressed in his casual wear. This disaster happened while everyone’s favorite jolly old elf was just trying to enjoy some much-needed R&R. According to the website, it’s possible to get Santa in one of three different colors of overalls, but this is hardly the time for product descriptions.

It occurred to Masanuki that he was technically the first person to “catch” Santa Claus, which means he could get a wish. He wished with all his might for Santa to spring back to life and shout “Ho, ho, ho!” as if nothing had happened…

However, Santa still had the same lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. This would have been the worst Christmas ever, but luckily it wasn’t anywhere close to Christmas. And so, to you Australians who might actually use this during the summer holidays:

For the love of God, catch him…

Related: Rakuten
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