Five video games that will never, ever get made (but totally should)

The E3 video game trade show is now just a couple of weeks away, and gamers the world over are getting excited. Will Rockstar Games come clean about its next project? Will Sony announce a launch date and pricing info for its new streaming service? Will the guys from Valve surprise us all by walking on stage, saying: “Episode 3. November 1,” and dropping the mic? Maybe not, but it’s fun to dream, right?

Sure, we all want to hear news of the games that have been teased over the past few months, but wouldn’t it be fun if a few more games came completely out of left field and blew us all away? With that in mind, we set our creative minds to work and came up with five video games that we wish existed, but are quite sure – perhaps for good reason – will never, ever happen.

– The Salaryman –

“Frustrating like Dark Souls but massively depressing. Five stars!” – IGM

Concept:

You play as Hiroshi, a 37-year-old husband, father, and Japanese office worker, or “salaryman”, trapped in a job selling boxes to other equally sad and bored men. Experience the monotony of salaryman life while trying to eke out enough time in the week to see your family and get some sleep!

The game is a blend of The Sims and Quantic Dream’s PlayStation 3 depress-’em-up Heavy Rain, featuring an enormous number of dialogue trees to explore and choices to make that will impact Hiroshi’s career and family life. Rest assured, though, failure is guaranteed, and you’ll log off after each play session feeling that little bit more empty inside.

Awesome features:

Balance sleep and caffeine levels to ensure maximum productivity at work!
Fun mini games including “Get a seat on the train” and “Drink with the boss”!
Worry about your rapidly growing bald spot!
Woo potential clients at izakaya pubs and gentlemen’s clubs!
Sing along to the terrible ’80s karaoke songs your sweating, middle-aged client insists on choosing!
Try to ignore increasingly frequent chest pains!

– Dr. Mario: Flatliners –

“Delivering Yoshi’s eggs was breathtaking. Fun for the whole family!” – Gamespots

Concept:

It’s surgery time in the Mushroom Kingdom! Join Dr. Mario and his assistant Peach as he performs complex surgery on his sick and injured pals and enemies.

Using the Wii U’s touchscreen and stylus, players can slice, dice, suture, clamp and doki-doki panic their way to saving the lives of their favourite Nintendo characters. Think Surgeon Simulator and Trauma Center, but with sickly Toad on the operating table and music that gets faster when you’re down to your final minute of operating time.

Awesome features:

Use power-ups and items from the Mario universe, including Starman temporary invulnerability, 1-up mushrooms for reviving patients after surgical hiccups, and Luigi’s Poltergust 3000 vacuum to suck the grumpies out of Bowser and his Koopalings.
Educational! Operations range from routine tonsillectomies to repairing punctured lungs; your kids will soon be medical masterminds!
Guest appearances from Pikachu and pals post-pokébattle!
Co-op chaos! As player one operates on the Wii U gamepad’s touchscreen, up to three additional players can join in using Wii remotes to prep surgical tools and wipe away excess fluids and gore!

– The Life & Times of Tim: The Video Game –

“Wait, this is a TV show? How come I’ve never heard of it?” – Guy on the internet

Concept:

Join Tim, the hapless hero of Steve Dildarian and HBO’s animated comedy The Life & Times of Tim as he struggles to get anything right in life. Revisit classic moments from the hit TV series, including “Angry Unpaid Hooker”, “Tim Fights an Old Man”, “The Girl Scout Incident”, and “Squeezing Amy’s Grandmother’s Boobs”!

South Park: The Stick of Truth showed us how humour, clever writing, and careful mimicry of an existing art style can turn a good game into a great one. The Life & Times of Tim gives gamers a chance to play as the underdog, knowing the whole time that things will only get worse but having a great time along the way.

Awesome features:

Turn-based combat with Tim’s friends including Rodney the receptionist, insecure sleep-terror sufferer Stu, The Boss, Marie from HR, and Keith, the boss’ dachshund!
Download free companion app Feed Keith — a total rip-off of Grand Theft Auto V‘s own app and just as dull!
Try to stay cool as an elderly gentleman bitch-slaps you on the bus!
Replay Mode: at the end of each chapter, sit back and watch the story you created, minus all of those annoying RPG-inspired battles and item sorting.

– Soul-Destroying Eikaiwa Grammar Adventure –

“Now I know how to use apostrophes! Next stop, best-selling novels!” – Vedge

Concept:

You are Rick, a rogue American working at one of the shamelessly mercenary English conversation, or eikaiwa, schools in Japan. After voicing concerns that maybe constantly trying to push massively expensive learning resources on students might not be the best way to form a good student-teacher relationship, your boss has decided to keep an eye on you while you teach–but teach you must!

Answer multiple-choice grammar and vocabulary questions against the clock and help your students on their way to mastering the English language. Refer to your school’s out-of-date, poorly written textbooks – sometimes with entire pages missing – when you get stuck, but don’t dawdle–the boss is watching and he wants to see you making some sales!

Awesome features:

– Grammar-nazi heaven! Thousands of sentences to nitpick and spend far too long obsessing over!
– Feel pangs of guilt as you become increasingly close to your students but also have to try to sell them textbooks they don’t need!
– Try to keep your job without losing your soul to sales!
– Use distraction cards and special moves like “Let’s look it up!” and “Come on, you know this!” when you don’t know the answer to a student’s question.

– Kawaii Rumble –

“So wrong, and yet so right. Game of the year!” – Polygom

Concept:

Rip off Super Smash Bros. (hey, if Sony can do it, so can we…), throw in every cutesy Japanese character from Doraemon and Hello Kitty to Funasshi and Kumamon, and let the multiplayer mayhem begin!

Imagine it: a hammer-wielding Kitty-chan faces off against Sailor Moon. Funasshi flips out and throttles My Melody as the crowd goes wild. It’s pigtail-pulling, squeaky-voiced, slapstick cartoon violence heaven. Heck, let’s even talk with Hasbro and get a couple of characters from My Little Pony to join in!

Awesome features:

Four-player simultaneous battles!
Turn on “adults-only mode” to use Mortal Kombat-style fatalities!
The cast of My Little Pony unlockable upon completion of single-player campaign! (Yeah, we’ve decided that’s going in there.)
Turn your favourite moments of cutesy violence into stickers that can be sent using the LINE messenger app!

What do you think, Rocketeers? Do any of our creations take your fancy? Is there some other totally-made-up-would-never-happen game you really wish existed? Let us know in the comments section below.

Your move, E3….

Images by RocketNews24
Bakground elements via YouTube, VG Junk, Fanpop

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