A rare legal video game document was unearthed recently by a Twitter user which outlines the eight laws that true “super players” must follow to be certified as such by the makers of the Japanese Super Mario Bros. 2, still known to this day as one of the most difficult games ever made.

However, like many constitutions this was made during different times and might not apply too well to modern life or in this case modern gaming. Still, if you want to see if you’re a true old-school super player take a look at the eight articles you must adhere to.

▼ “I don’t think anyone follows these any more…”
[tweet https://twitter.com/lastzero2/status/645870909572517888 align=center]

8 Laws of Super Players

1) Don’t fall asleep while playing.
We’re off to a pretty easy start. Sure, a few people may have slipped into a stupor in mid-game here and there but I think its safe to say most people know when to call it quits.

2) Don’t play continuously for over an hour.
This might have worked in the age of [Japan’s] Super Mario Bros. 2 and games of that ilk that would have caused you to throw your console at the wall after only 30 minutes or so. However, these days one hour wouldn’t even cover a single Metal Gear Solid expositional cut-scene.

3) Don’t yell or make strange voices during the game.
Although yelling is a natural way to express ones excitement, it can be annoying to others. Strange noises though? I fail to see why going “bleep bleep bloop” while I play negates my being a super player, and will never stop doing it!

4) Exercise to gain quick reflexes and power.
Oh, Nintendo, are you trying some of that reverse psychology on me? Well, it worked! I got to beat that jerk darthmaul234234455 at Street Fighter IV so my Nautilus is ordered from Amazon and on its way.

5) Play in the best physical condition.
Alright already, we get it…sheesh.

6) Even if you get “Game Over” don’t hit the cartridge or disc.
Of course, duh. Why hit the cartridge when you have a perfectly good controller already in your hands.

7) Keep in mind that you are fighting for justice.
I guess this was meant to remind kids that they shouldn’t enjoy the act of crushing turtles and sentient chestnuts, but rather do it solemnly knowing the sacrifice of these creatures was for the greater good of rescuing a princess… Although, with just a little careful planning, knowing which castle she was in in the first place would have saved an awful lot of bloodshed.

8) Balance games and your studying, and only then will you be a super player.
Actually, this rule probably holds up better in modern gaming. Some of those Silent Hill puzzles require a fair bit of education to get in their higher difficulty settings.

So, how did you do? If you’re like…well like everyone, you probably did not qualify as a super player. Comments regarding these laws were pretty much in the same boat.

“Those aren’t gamers. That’s just describing the general public.”
“I couldn’t follow Article 7.”
“I’m sorry, President Iwata…”
“I got all of them except 3 and 6….”
“I didn’t even get past Article 1. Damn you, Dragon Quest VIII.”
“In Article 4… I get why reflexes are good, but power?!”

So, it appears none of us are “super players” anymore. As a result there have been a growing number of gamers who are seeking to change the way in which this constitution is interpreted to allow players the right to act outside of the cause of justice as well as allow longer playing times and violence to game hardware as long as three conditions are met.

When your online ranking is attacked, or when the ranking of someone on your friends list is attacked. And only if the slip in ranking is one which you cannot easily recover from.
When there is no other means to defeat that annoying Tekken final boss and you simply have to hit something else to ensure your own mental well-being.
Use of glitches, cheats, or downloadable content is at an absolute minimum.

However, many feel these conditions are too widely open to interpretation and lessen the value of what a “super player” really is. Currently, Nintendo legislators are meeting for the first time in decades to discuss these controversial proposed changes.

Source: Twitter/@lastzero2 via Hamusoku (Japanese)
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