Can luxury toilet paper really be worth the exorbitant price tag? Mr. Sato orders some of the finest on the market to try it out.

Mankind is born with a curse, and that curse is that after every trip to the bathroom we must wipe our behinds. Perhaps it’s a karmic punishment for our hubris in being born. Maybe we’re human explicitly because we have to buff our butts with a bit of paper. At any rate, there’s no way humans can escape this hideous birthright, and so we have to just hunker down and deal.

But wait! There may be a way to brighten up this sordid, menial task. It was with this goal that Mr. Sato purchased three rolls of luxury toilet paper, in pursuit of some small way to win back joy in his bathroom visits.

“It’s a little embarrassing,” Mr. Sato told us unprompted, “but I’ve never once used luxury toilet paper. My butt has never felt the soft caress of that high-quality cloth, and why? Well… Because I didn’t know it existed.”

Understandable. He dashed to the Internet to rectify this grievous lack in his life, and soon enough a 5,000 yen (US$44.75) toilet roll set was within his sights. Maker Mochizuki Seishi has the honor of officially presenting its wares to Japan’s imperial family year after year, and Mr. Sato figured if this premium paper was good enough for the Emperor’s tush then it would revolutionize his own toilet habits.

▼ The toilet roll set in question, the “Hanebisho”, which can be also ordered as a pack of eight for a square 10,000 yen

At that price, a single roll costs 1,670 yen, or about as much as a luxurious apple hamburger. Mr. Sato admitted he was filled with some trepidation before placing his order: he was usually in the habit of purchasing eight-packs that cost a few hundred yen, and his rear had never uttered a word of complaint. Maybe his butt was too uncultured to appreciate the sensibilities of this Imperial-standard paper? You wouldn’t expect a newbie car driver to appreciate the glory of zipping a Formula One car around the circuit, and Mr. Sato’s butt was more like an uncouth vandal with a Vespa license.

Oh, who cares! Even a rough-n-tumble delinquent deserves to touch an F1 car once in his life. Onwards! He clicked the order button.

A few days later a gorgeous box lay in his apartment, filled with sophisticated promise.

▼ The box the rolls came in was just as exquisite as you would expect

Can you believe such a dainty box contains toilet paper, of all things? Well, that’s not all. It houses another box that’s just as beautiful. With presentation like this you’d expect some high grade rice wine to be tucked inside!

▼ This one is at least covered in soft curlicues that calls the not-so-humble toilet roll to mind

Once you peek inside, all doubt is eliminated. This is in fact toilet paper!

▼ The name “Hanebisho” is stamped atop the roll, as well as the maker’s name

And how beautifully presented it is! Each roll comes coccooned in a perfect wrapping of Japanese print paper. These artistic patterns are soothing to the heart and pleasant to the eye, and each one has its own precious pastel tone to savor.

Here, Mr. Sato faced another dilemma of the heart. To use this toilet roll as it was intended, he would have to disrobe it of its gorgeous outer layer. But it was so beautiful! What a waste, to just discard it!

No. He had resolved to let his coarse behind experience this F1-grade experience at least once. Off the wrapper came.

Without its gorgeous marine-colored coating, the paper roll sports a comparatively plain print. It has an understated dignity after the pretty watercolor wrapping, and the paper itself is as soft as swans’ down to the touch. If you peer closer, you might notice that something is written in the layers…

A poem!

“No matter how time doth wear on / and forms doth shift and warp / adopt the sincerity of your forebears / and play your own harmony with pride”

“How am I supposed to wipe my ass with this?!” Mr. Sato howled. What agony, to use such beautiful art to clean the worst part of oneself! How dare they make this difficult choice even harder with their floral language!

His mind was made up. He must use the paper. To do anything but use the paper would be an insult to its beauty.

▼ The Hanebisho nestles serenely in Mr. Sato’s toilet roll holder

Mr. Sato cleared his mind of all earthly distractions, like the dainty butterfly print and those tranquil poetic verses, and gripped a healthy chunk of paper. Stretching it out, he steeled his determination – and tore a chunk off! Here we go! It was all riding on this moment!

It was time…

To…

WIIIIIIIIIIIIPE!

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▼ [IMAGE REDACTED]

While Mr. Sato would love to show you his method of cleaning himself, we at SoraNews24 have elected to not share these images for numerous reasons. Thank you as always for your understanding.

▼ An enlightened Mr. Sato treats his face to a touch of luxury

After wiping, Mr. Sato was thoroughly satisfied with his pricey purchase. Just like when touching it with his fingertips, it felt silky and smooth against his buttocks as though he were caressing them with silk. What’s more, each sheet of paper was full-bodied and deliciously thick, allowing you to scrub effectively without any worry of the paper disintegrating in your hands.

Mr. Sato implores everyone with a crude and classless bum like his to test-drive this Formula One-tier paper, even if it’s only once in their entire life. Treat yourself like an Emperor, for once! It’ll make the perfect follow-up to a course of premium ice cream.

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