Forget crypto. The real money’s in Straw Hat Big Size Sweat-Absorbing Quick-Drying Cool-looking Gentlemanly Natural Paper Adjustable Size 99% UV Cuts.

There are more than 50,000 hats for sale on Amazon Japan. Our Japanese-language reporter Masanuki Sunakoma knows that because he’s in the market for one, and that’s how many results he got when he ran a search for “hat” on the e-commerce giant’s website.

50,000 is way more hats than Masanuki needs, so being the thrifty guy he is he decided to sort them by price, and was startled to discover that the cheapest hat on Amazon Japan costs just one yen, less than one U.S. cent. It also happens to be Amazon’s lowest-rated hat, with one-star rankings from all four buyers who’ve left reviews.

Masanuki found himself fascinated by that one-yen/one-star combination. Sure, you wouldn’t expect a one-yen hat to be particularly high-quality, but at the same time, a one-star review usually carries the connotation that the buyer didn’t get their money’s worth…how could that be possible with something with a price so low it’s practically nonexistent?

Needing to know more, Masanuki promptly put in his order for the item, which is listed on Amazon Japan as “Straw Hat Big Size Sweat-Absorbing Quick-Drying Cool-looking Gentlemanly Natural Paper Adjustable Size 99% UV Cut Golf 55-59 cm” (and as we all know, the longer the product name, the more confidence it inspires, right?).

It took a little over three weeks for Masanuki’s hat, which was being shipped from China, to arrive, though the package did come on the exact day it was projected to, February 14. Thinking of it as a Valentine’s Day present to himself, Masanuki tore open the packaging, which almost certainly had cost more than the 1 yen he’d paid for the hat itself.

Honestly, it didn’t look half bad. It’s got a classic, almost retro style to it, but Masanuki could see this being worn by just about anyone, man or woman, adult or child, who’s looking to add some subtle panache to their outfit.

However, he couldn’t help noticing that the hat was smaller than he’d expected it to be.

But hey, that’s no problem! Remember, this is the Straw Hat Big Size Sweat-Absorbing Quick-Drying Cool-looking Gentlemanly Natural Paper Adjustable Size 99% UV Cut Golf 55-59 cm we’re talking about here, emphasis on the “Adjustable Size” part. So all Masanuki had to do was…

Wait, how do you adjust this thing?

After examining the hat from every angle, Masanuki was able to confirm that it has no buckles, snaps, clips, or any other pieces that allow you to change its size. The material doesn’t have an especially elastic quality to it either, so it’s not like you’re supposed to just tug it down onto your head and let it stretch out on its own. Once again, though, he took heart when he recalled that easy-to-remember product name, Straw Hat Big Size Sweat-Absorbing Quick-Drying Cool-looking Gentlemanly Natural Paper Adjustable Size 99% UV Cut Golf 55-59 cm. The average men’s hat size in Japan is around 58 centimeters, so even without any adjusting it should be…

54 centimeters!?!? OK, Masanuki had been thinking that maybe he could overlook the Straw Hat Big Size Sweat-Absorbing Quick-Drying Cool-looking Gentlemanly Natural Paper Adjustable Size 99% UV Cut Golf 55-59 cm not actually being adjustable, but why call it “55-59 cm” when it’s only 54 centimeters?

Still, he didn’t want his one-yen wardrobe expenditure to go to waste, so he put the hat on his head.

And when we say he put the hat “on” his head, we mean it in the same way as putting something on a table, counter, or other flat surface, since it wasn’t big enough to actually fit around the entire top of his cranium.

Masanuki’s spirits picked up a little here, since again, the hat itself doesn’t look bad.

It’s got an appealing jauntiness to it, and maybe he’d even start a trend of undersized hats once people in the neighborhood saw him walking around in his-

Just seconds after trying the hat on, Masanuki ran into a problem. Since it was too small to fit around his skull, it slid off as soon as he took a step. Even when he exerted maximum effort to walk like a charm school valedictorian and keep the top of his head perfectly level, a gentle puff of winter breeze was all it took to render him hatless.

Now, believe it or not, the Straw Hat Big Size Sweat-Absorbing Quick-Drying Cool-looking Gentlemanly Natural Paper Adjustable Size 99% UV Cut Golf 55-59 cm actually boasts even more features in its product description than it crams into its name. According to the description, the hat also has a “high-quality chin strap, so it won’t fly off even in strong winds.” But remember how Masanuki went looking for a size-adjusting apparatus and didn’t find one? He didn’t find a chin strap either.

Masanuki was now completely baffled. If the seller had called this a non-adjustable, 54-centimeter hat for petite adults or kids, and just hadn’t mentioned anything about a chin strap, it’d be a passably usable, budget-friendly piece of headwear. Instead, it was a hat that customers, himself now included, didn’t feel happy spending even a single yen on, and at that price, there’s no way the seller is making a profit either.

Now thoroughly fed up with this hat of lies, Masanuki wanted nothing more than to be rid of it. He didn’t feel right just throwing it in the trash, though, so instead he took it to 2nd Street, one of those second-hand shops you can find in the Japanese suburbs that deal in everything from electronics to clothing.

Masanuki told the 2nd Street clerk he wanted to sell his hat, and the clerk told him to wait while they appraised it. After a few minutes, the clerk gave Masankuki the results:

“We can’t determine who the manufacturer is, and there isn’t a lot of demand for kids-size hats. I’m sorry, but all that we can offer you is 10 yen.”

10 yen! “Yes”, Masanuki said, “I’ll take it!” Really, how often do you get a chance to make a 900-percent profit on an investment?

Needless to say, Masanuki’s now feeling pretty pleased with himself for his business acumen. Now all he has to do is decide if he wants to reinvest those earnings back into the Straw Hat Big Size Sweat-Absorbing Quick-Drying Cool-looking Gentlemanly Natural Paper Adjustable Size 99% UV Cut Golf 55-59 cm market, and possibly make as much as 100 yen on his next venture, or if he’s ready to get out of the game and use his fortune to buy a single Umaibo puffed corn snack (as long as he buys it before their price goes up).

Related: Straw Hat Big Size Sweat-Absorbing Quick-Drying Cool-looking Gentlemanly Natural Paper Adjustable Size 99% UV Cut Golf 55-59 cm listing
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