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Despite its well-earned reputation as a society where meals are generally sensibly-sized and low calorie, Japan isn’t above the occasional burst of gastronomic decadence, and we’ve mentioned the jumbo-sized portions known as dekamori before.

Of course, it’s not easy to finance such a big appetite. Thankfully, if you’re craving a dekamori of the stir-fried noodle dish known as yakisoba, there’s a place where you won’t have to pay a single yen, as long as you can polish off 2.4 kilograms (5.3 pounds) of it ,that is…

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On a recent trip to Japan’s northernmost island of Hokkaido, we stopped by Yakisoba Saburo, a restaurant that specializes in the dish. The smallest portion is “regular size,” with “medium size” being one and a half times bigger than that, and “large size” giving you double the noodles of the regular size.

From there, the naming craziness increases in step with amount of yakisoba, going from super size to miracle size, ultra size, hyper size, omega size, chaos size, weirdo size, and top-of-the-mountain size.

On our visit to Yakisoba Saburo, the largest size available was the 1,190-yen (US$11.90) Taira no Kiyomori (a play on words with 12th Century warlord Taira no Kiyomori and the Japanese word mori, meaning serving size), which gets you a solid two kilograms of yakisoba. Never ones to back down from a challenge, we inserted our cash into the ticket machine and punched the button for the Taira no Kiyomori size meal ticket.

▼ The automated ordering system saves you from the embarrassment of having to directly ask the waiter for enough food to serve two and a half families.

▼ Regular (left) vs. Taira no Kiyomori size (right)

▼ Sure, the Taira no Kiyomori size looks big next to a sleek, compact iPhone 5, but how would it compare visually to clunkier electronics?

▼ Still huge.

Thankfully, the yakisoba served at the restaurant is tasty stuff. Before being stir-fried the noodles are boiled, giving them just the proper firm springiness. They even smell great.

Unlike at most other restaurants, Yakisoba Saburo’s noodles are not seasoned during cooking. Instead, there is a huge variety of sauces for customers to mix and match, including soy, tomato, plum, and curry. This allows you to change up the flavor of your meal part-way through, which is a welcome alternative to a couple pounds of the exact same taste.

▼ Yakisoba Saburo’s special sauce

▼ A little mayo

▼OK, a lot of mayo

▼ Some Otafuku sauce, which tastes like a sweet Worchester

▼ Because what’s two kilos of carbs without a little pickle garnish?

Until recently, the Taira no Kiyomori size was the king of Yakisoba Saburo’s mountain of noodle portions. Hokkaido is home to many of Japan’s bears, however, and a few must have stopped in while bulking up for hibernation, because the restaurant has seen the need to offer an even bigger serving that’s 12 times the size of the regular order. The brand new “heavy size” tips the scales at 2.4 kilograms, and best of all, thanks to a special promotion the restaurant is running for the month of November, if you can eat the whole thing, it’s free.

At first, this seemed like a pretty easy thing to accomplish. We even had a battle plan all set.

1. Arrive at 11 a.m., when the restaurant opens.

2. Put in our order for the gigantic yakisoba.

3. Eat some as a late breakfast.

4. Sit there and digest for a couple hours.

5. Eat some for lunch.

6. Hang out for a few more hours.

7. Eat some for dinner.

8. Go to sleep at the table.

9 Wake up the next morning.

10 Repeat steps 4 through 8.

Unfortunately, Yakisoba Saburo seems to have seen right through our battle plan, and there’s a 15-minute time limit for the challenge. In other words, you’ll need to keep up a steady consumption rate of 160 grams of yakisoba per minute, unless you want to get stuck with having to pay for all of those noodles.

On the upside, even if you do end up getting stuck with the check, it’s still about four days’ worth of food for about 1,500 yen, making it a great deal on some tasty chow. Your wallet and taste buds will thank you (your digestive tract, however, may hate you so much it swears vengeance on your children).

Restaurant information
Yakisoba Saburo
Address: Hokkaido, Hakodate-shi, Hondori 4-34-1
北海道函館市本通4-34-1
Open 11 a.m.-8 p.m. (last order 7:30)
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Photos: RocketNews24
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