Strolling up and down the aisles of any supermarket in Japan, you are bound to come across several items in sealed vinyl retort pouches. Retort pasta sauce, retort rice porridge, and retort cat food can all be found freshly sealed and ready for quick heating if needed.

Now, all the hassle of landing a boyfriend or girlfriend has been removed, thanks to Retort Boyfriend (Retoruto Kareshi) and Retort Girlfriend (Retoruto Kanojo). Sounds great, but the new product has caused some, like the manager of the Village Vanguard shop pictured above, to become “worried about the future of Japan.”

As it turns out, Retort Boyfriend and Girlfriends are actually just different types of curry. The personality of the “soul mate” you choose is reflected in the flavor of the sauce (sweet, spicy, beefy, etc.). You can even read a Bio of each character on the back of the box to help make your dating dining decision.

1 – Vegetable White Curry (Sweet)
“You’re hands are working too hard… let me protect them. If we go on like this… I could eat you right down to your fingers.”

2 – Pork Curry (Medium Spicy)
“Welcome back. You worked hard today, didn’t you. It’s okay because I’m here for you. Alright, eat this and take it easy.”

3 – Chicken Curry (Medium Spicy)
“What’s the matter? …What is it? You can stop acting tough in front of me. When times are tough you can lean on me.”

4 – Beef Curry (Spicy)
“Look, don’t eat anyone else’s curry but mine!”

Birthday: 17 February
Blood Type: B
Height: 182 cm
Hobby: Driving
Weak against people who can’t eat hot food. Only drinks water in the morning.

5 – Green Curry
“Are you shy? Just come over here. You know you’re the one I want beside me the most.”

As a heterosexual man, I might find my attraction to some of these curries (especially the meaty ones) conflicting. Luckily I can hold off an appointment with my therapist and just step over to the Retort Girlfriends. They offer nearly the same flavors but with female personae.

1 – Pork Curry (Medium Spicy)
“I’m soooooo happy to eat dinner together. So? How is it?… Eh, hehe. I learnt how to do it cooking for my brother!”

Birthday: 16 March
Blood Type: O
Height: 154cm
Hobby: Collecting small and cute things
Keeps a garden on her balcony. Currently trying to grow asparagus.

2 – Chicken Curry (Medium Spicy)
“Welcome home! Dinner’s almost ready! Get ready to eat… so, when you’re finished what do you want to do together?”

3 – Beef Curry (Extra Spicy)
“Here. I made this for you to eat so open up! You’re not allowed to waste any!”

Going by the test videos people have put on YouTube, the curries do look quite good. However, the 525 yen (US$5) price tag for one pouch is, as one person on Twitter put it, “freaking expensive.” On the other hand, as some else retorted, “525 yen is pretty cheap for a boyfriend.”

Source: Hachima Kiko, Rakuten, Akibaoo, Yahoo! Japan Shopping 1, 2, 3, 4 YouTube – RRcherrypie, kazuo0831
Top Image: Twitter