The five-patty Lotteria burger wasn’t big enough, so we made a 35-patty burger instead!

When we heard last month that Japanese burger chain Lotteria was bringing back their legendary five-patty Tower Burger, we knew that we had to give it a try. Unfortunately we didn’t realize the special was only available until the end of April, so when we finally got around to it there was nothing but boring normal burgers left.

But then we realized something: the Tower Burger is just five patties stacked on top of each other. We could just buy five patties and make our own anytime! In fact… there’s no limit to how many patties we could stack. We could even have something ridiculous, like a 35-patty burger!

And so we did. And we ate it. This is our adventure.

Before undertaking such an enterprise, we needed to do some research. Mr. Sato called a nearby Lotteria, asking them if such a monster burger could in fact be constructed and consumed by mere humans. Their response was ominous; they said it could be done, but they did not recommend going any higher than fifteen patties. After that it became “unstable.”

The way they lowered their voice and the background went silent we knew they were speaking from past experience, but we were not going to be deterred. We were on a mission: 35 patties or go home in shame. Were we cowards? No. Were we mad? Probably. Were we hungry? Yes.

Lotteria told us, with a tinge of anguish in their voice, that the patties would be ready for pickup. They also asked if we needed extra ketchup. We said no.

When we acquired the patties from the shop, they were grouped into three boxes of 10 patties each, plus a five-patty cheeseburger wrapped up in paper. They obviously didn’t dare assemble the beast at their store, relenting the task to us of completing the summoning ritual at our own risk.

▼ The Four Cheeseburgers of the Apocalypse, together at last.

So we started building. We carefully unwrapped the five-patty cheeseburger. It would provide the alpha and omega buns on top and bottom, and it appeared up to the task.

▼ No turning back now.

▼ And thus the stacking began. We started putting the patties on five at a time.

▼ The 10-patty burger was quickly given life. But it was only to be a stepping stone along the way to its true form.

▼ The next five went on smoothly. The true terror of the beast was starting to become apparent.

▼ We thought adding another five patties would be easy, no big deal….

▼ But it seems 20 patties is when our beefy abomination started getting a little wobbly, as if wishing to destroy itself before it could corrupt our world.

▼ No time to be scared though. Onward ho! Another five patties!

▼ Only once you’ve seen the 25-patty creature itself can you truly begin to reflect upon the horror of your undertaking.

▼ We were no longer in control of our hands at this point. The burger was stacking itself; we were no more than its puppet.

▼ “Yes, excellent. Only five more patties and I will be complete!”

▼ I’m sorry… I didn’t know! How could I have known?!

▼ We were more cheeseburger than man at this point. There was only one thing we could do….

▼ Devour our delicious creation! Om nom nom!

▼ “So was I like, saying some weird things back there when I was building that thing? I can’t remember.”
“…Never speak of this day again.”

▼ The day that the monster burger wrapped its greasy fingers right around Mr. Sato’s heart and squeezed as hard as it could will always be remembered in infamy.

▼ The only true way to tackle a 10-patty burger: surprise attack from above.

▼ The receipt for everything, totaling 5,590 yen (US$46.50). (Translation below)

1 Cheeseburger
34 Regular patties
34 Slices of cheese
2 Iced coffees (hey, it’s hot out, all right?)
0 Regrets
1 Unforgettable burger experience that you and 34 of your best friends should definitely try out yourselves sometime.

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