On the afternoon of 3 September, a 59-year-old man walked into a shopping mall in Higashi Ward, Nagoya. He then grabbed two packs of roast pork from a supermarket and concealed them as he began to leave the premises without paying. A security guard had noticed the act of petty shoplifting, however, and a chase quickly ensued.

The perpetrator was no match for the younger and more agile guard, who managed to catch the man before escaping out the parking garage. However, just as the security guard grabbed the man’s shoulder to turn him around, he was struck by an unexpected counter-attack of the most smelly kind.

According to police, the suspect stands accused of shoplifting and throwing his own excrement at the security guard in an effort to get away. The suspect vehemently denies one of those claims in his very illuminating testimony:

“I was so surprised that I accidentally crapped my pants. I did shoplift, but I did not throw poo.” (Suspect’s testimony)

Knowing no information other that what was reported, I’m inclined to believe the man. Just think for a moment how difficult it would have to be to deliberately throw your feces at someone in defense.

First, there’s the challenge of producing something to sling at just the right moment. And then, digging into your pants and slinging it has got to be way too time-consuming and impractical under the circumstances.

Much more likely is that the man had indeed soiled himself out of fear, and speculating the regularity of a guy who shoplifts roast pork, it probably wasn’t the most solid of bowel movements. Thus during the tussle some spillage or splashing may have occurred and struck the guard who’s only mistake was showing up to work that day.

Other readers had this to say about the incident.

“I respect someone who can have shit ready to throw so soon like that.”
“What is he, a gorilla?”
“It’s like how a squid or octopus uses ink to help it escape.”
“Wow, I’ve never been that surprised.”
“Do they have to keep the turd for evidence?”
“Did they return the roast pork to the shelf?”

Indeed many valid questions arose, especially that last one. On the legal end of this case, the suspect is being charged with “robbery after the fact.” Originally he would have just been charged with shoplifting, and because the pork was valued at only 1,960 yen (US$16) he probably would have gotten off with a warning and maybe a few days in jail. However, with the added poo assault he will face a minimum of five years in prison if found guilty.

With so much at stake I guess forensics teams will have to study the splatter marks at the scene to determine its trajectory and find if it was deliberately used as a weapon or not.  Hopefully this will all get recreated on an episode of Law & Order soon so we can see how it’s done.

Source: Asahi Shimbun, Yahoo! Japan News via Himasoku (Japanese)
Image: Mamiya Kyoshiro
[ Read in Japanese ]