pokemon pro tips top

Breaking the bad news to kids that their favorite Pokémon are terrible, and they’re wasting their time playing.

Nintendo has been pushing old-school Pokémon pretty hard recently. There’s the Super Bowl commercial to remind everyone of Pokémon’s 20th anniversary, and the original games being released on virtual console this year, all coming together to make 1996 feel like not so long ago anymore.

With so much nostalgia in the air, some Pokémon fans have returned to their childhood games and toys to get a blast from the past. But when Japanese Twitter user @s_i_15 picked up their old Pokémon Red strategy guide, they found some oddly pessimistic surprises that their childhood self overlooked:

“The ‘pro tips’ in this Pokémon Red strategy guide aren’t pro tips at all!”

Before we get into what these actual “pro tips” are, it should be noted that the original Japanese is closer to something like “a good Pokémon discussion” or “a nice little Pokémon story,” which actually makes what they’re saying all the more hilarious.

Here’s a translation of the “nice little Pokémon stories” that @s_i_15 provided:

“Fire-type Pokémon only look strong.”
“Aerodactyl is unusable.”
“Grass-type Pokémon have too many weaknesses.”
“Changing out a Pokémon about to faint is a waste of a turn.”
“We walked around for three hours for a 1-percent encounter rate Pokémon.”
“80-percent accuracy attacks can’t be trusted.”
“90-percent accuracy attacks are dubious.”
“Even 100-percent accuracy attacks won’t necessarily hit.”
“We wanted a Game Boy Pocket.”
“Exeggute: ‘Don’t laugh at me.'”
“Moltres is kinda meh.”

We do have to say, as negative as these “pro tips” are, they’re (mostly) not wrong. Grass-types do have a ton of weaknesses, and back in the era of Pokémon Red/Blue, almost all Grass-types were also Poison-type, adding on even more weaknesses.

Plus the whole bit about the attack accuracy is, well, accurate, and I think we can all agree that Moltres, while cool, is a bit lacking in the power area. Although telling kids not to help their Pokémon about to faint by switching them out is just cruel.

Maybe this strategy guide decided to just cut the sugar-coating and give it to kids straight? Still, that doesn’t explain the odd “tips” about walking around for three hours, or wanting a Game Boy Pocket.

The most likely explanation: the person in charge of the “pro tips” was probably just sick of their job. Maybe some official retro Pokémon merchandise would cheer them up.

Source: Twitter/@s_i_15 via My Game News Flash
Featured/top image: Twitter/@s_i_15, Know Your Meme (Edited by RocketNews24)