Thinking about investing in an electric poop on a stick? Consult our buyer’s guide first!

It’s a common milestone in people’s lives that when they reach a certain level of financial stability, they consider becoming one of the growing number of glowing-poop-on-a-stick owners in Japan. But doing so isn’t as easy as just going to the store and picking one up. There are three serious matters to consider before taking the light-up poop plunge, as illustrated by our own in-house expert Go Hatori.

When buying a poop on a stick, it’s wise to go to a reputable retailer, and 100-yen store Daiso has shown itself to handle a wide range of quality feces-related products. They’re quite literally full of crap.

However, even Daiso has been known to toss out a few duds here and there, such as the joke knives that turned out to be real knives, so Go unwrapped his newly bought Light Up Poop Stick with a measured optimism.

The device was rather self-explanatory. Go would simply have to push the big button on the side of the poop and it would light up. This would allow him to prance around like a pretty poop fairy for the rest of the afternoon shouting “Un-Cha!” as he blessed all his furniture with his new gear.

WARNING #1

However, no matter how hard and how many times he pushed the button, no light came on.

Go consulted the instructions, which said that new owners would have to remove the paper insulation sheet before operation. He then checked the battery compartment but there was no sheet at all.

Then he spotted it at the bottom of the package. It was already taken out.

Go referred to his image archive and found that even before opening, the paper had been removed.

Clearly, it seems that some man, woman, or child, unable to resist the allure of the glowing poop had managed to work it free while the product was still hanging on the rack. From there the batteries had simply withered and died.

Of course, Go could buy some new batteries, but since the Light Up Poop Stick itself was only 100 yen (US$0.92), it made more fiscal sense to just get another one. He returned to the poo section of Daiso – this time a little wiser – and was shocked by what he saw.

More insulation sheets had been removed prior to purchase! Go estimated (based on observation at the Daiso branch he went to) that potential Light Up Poop Stick buyers run a 32.647% chance of selecting one without its paper if not exercising due diligence. Needless to say, it is imperative that you examine the package before buying!

Returning home with his second Light Up Poop Stick, Go followed the manufacturer guidelines and removed the insulation sheet.

So far so good. The next step was to push the big button, and…

▼ Success!

Not only did the coil of poo light up, it did so in three different patterns when Go pushed the button a second and third time. That was a nice added feature and was kind of like those toy magic wands that girls like to play with.

However…

WARNING #2

▼ “This is not a toy.”

While scanning the documentation for more special features, Go was shocked to learn that the Light Up Poop Stick was actually “not a toy” despite looking and behaving one. This begged the question: What the hell is it?

Go wasn’t sure, but he definitely knew that proper operation involved not having fun with the Light Up Poop Stick.

After staring at the Light Up Poop Stick with sober reverence for a while, Go got to thinking about the first one he purchased. There was a chance that the batteries hadn’t died, and it might have just been broken.

To find out he decided to swap the batteries between the two sticks.

Sure enough the first stick Go had bought began working properly. However, after installing the batteries from the first stick into his new stick, it too began to work.

WARNING #3

It would seem that the issue hadn’t been the battery dying after all. Rather, the battery wasn’t properly connecting with the metal terminals on the poop. So, before taking any drastic actions such as buying batteries or a second poop stick, be sure to confirm that the battery compartment is tightly closed with its screw.

In the end, it had worked out well for Go, however, since he is now the proud owner of two functioning Light Up Poop Sticks.

If you too want to ease into the life of a Light Up Poop Stick owner then just heed our three warnings before heading over to Daiso… Actually, the third warning kind of negated the first warning, so…maybe just heed two of those warnings.

At the very least, heed #2, because expressing even an ounce of joy with your light-up poo would render it a toy and violate your warranty, if one existed in the first place.

Just think, this could be you!

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