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That’s a good way to get yourself dolphin-punched right in the jaw, Cloud.

Final Fantasy VII Rebirth represents a very unique video game release. On the one hand, there’s an intense desire to see the new developments in the story after breaking off from the established Final Fantasy VII narrative at the end of Final Fantasy VII Remake. At the same time, though, longtime fans of the franchise are eager to once again see scenes that unfolded in the original FF VII storyline and became some of the most iconic in the industry’s history.

With Rebirth’s release just two weeks away, developer Square Enix is tapping into that desire for a mix of the fresh and familiar with an animated video of protagonist Cloud and one of his gal pals on a gondola date at the Gold Saucer amusement park. The Gold Saucer was one of the most memorable locations of the original game, and is a promised part of Rebirth, and odds are there are going to be a few surprises in its newest incarnation…though hopefully nothing as awkward as what happens in the video.

As the video, posted to Square Enix’s official YouTube channel, opens, we see Cloud and his companion sharing a private moment, looking out at the starry sky being lit up in colorful bursts from the Gold Saucer’s fireworks show. “Hey, Cloud, I feel happy,” she says. “This, whadda ya call it, this wire thingy…you know, this thing we’re in that’s hanging down from it, like, the basket, I guess?”

“The gondola?” Cloud asks in response, to which she gushes “Yeah, yeah! The gondola! This gondola date, yeah! It’s romantic, isn’t it?” Cloud, never one to let himself get too swept up in the emotion of the moment, good-naturedly chides her with:

“OK, OK, settle down there, Aerith.”

In case you’ve been living under an insulation-from-Japanese-pop-culture Materia rock for the past two decades-plus, the girl riding in the gondola with Cloud is not Aerith Gainsborough, the mysteriously mystical flower merchant he recently became acquainted with. It’s Tifa Lockhart, the girl he’s been close to since they were little kids growing up in a remote mountain village, who showed him the ropes and helped him find both a job and place to live after he moved to the big city.

“What did you just say?”, Tifa demands after the initial shock wears off. “You just said ‘Aerith,’ didn’t you?” Briefly staggered by his slipup, once Cloud partially regains his composure he quickly shifts into damage control. “I can’t believe you,” Tifa fumes.

Cloud tries to counter by turning his gaze outside the gondola and saying “Oh, wow, look at the fireworks!”

Tifa, though, is not having it. “Nope nope nope nope.” “Firewo-“ “Nope nope nope nope nope. No, we’re not talking about fireworks. Nope nope nope.”

Cloud desperately tries to change the subject again. “No, look, Tifa, there’s a Chocobo down there! It’s such a cute Chocobo! Cute Chocobo!”

“A Chocobo isn’t going to get you out of this,” declares the increasingly incensed Tifa. “This is…EXHAUSTING…it’s really tricky dealing with a childhood friend like this. If you were my boyfriend, I’d hit you with Meteor.”

In a last-ditch effort to salvage the date, Cloud then insists that he didn’t even say Aerith in the first place! Instead, what he said was…“Eeyan,” a Japanese phrase meaning “This is nice,” in regards to how comfy the gondola’s seats are.

Tifa is not buying this excuse either, though, as ee yan is a Japanese phrase used in the Kansai/Osaka area.

“Do you think I’m stupid? You don’t even speak Kansai dialect,” she calls Cloud out. “I…I do…sometimes,” he staggers, but Tifa shuts him down with “I’ve never heard you speak it.”

She’s honestly had enough, and so, with a heavy sigh, she says, “FF7 Rebirth is coming out soon, you know?” This has cloud really worried. “Wait, Tifa, you’re so upset that you’re making meta comments,” he cautions her, but she won’t be stopped. “I don’t know what you’re thinking. Everyone is looking forward to our romantic scenes…to freely exploring and having adventures in the huge map…using linked attacks with other party members in the battles…”

After running through a few more features of the upcoming game, she says “How about if I just start telling everyone all the story spoilers, huh?” Cloud realizes how catastrophic this would be for the series, and stammers:

“No, don’t, wait, Aer-“

Having crammed his foot into his mouth for a second time, the couple’s squabble intensifies even more, finally dissolving into them jointly signing off with “Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, please look forward to it!”

The game comes out on February 29, so hopefully by then Cloud will have his love interests’ names sorted out, especially since it’s already been confirmed that Tifa is the best one.

Source: YouTube/スクウェア・エニックス via Otakomu
Images: YouTube/スクウェア・エニックス
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