There are only so many hours in a day, which means all the time you devote to listening to Japanese girls’ rock bands or learning a half-dozen ways to says “breasts” in Japanese means less time for soaking up mainstream American pop culture. As a result, I’ve got some pretty big gaps in my Hollywood movie-watching history, but at least I know their basic plots because they’ve been talked about and referenced elsewhere so much.

For example, I know Titanic is about an elderly woman fondly remembering some dude she hooked up with on a cruise 70 years ago, who was apparently so good in the sack that she has no time on her deathbed to remember her children or the man who fathered them. Forest Gump is about remarkably patient bus travelers who are willing to listen to the life story a complete stranger because of his vague promises of giving them chocolate at some point.

And Toy Story, as I can infer from these Tokyo Disneyland photos, is about how a humble cowboy and abrasive astronaut learn to overcome their differences and become pals when one gives the other a hand job, right?

Being smugly satisfied with himself is Buzz Lightyear’s whole deal, and so you could say Pixar’s designers did a great job with his facial expressions. Of course, if you spend much time around sarcastic people on the Internet, you may also be aware that the Tim Allen-voiced astronaut’s powerfully satisfied expression can also make toys in his likeness look like they’re experiencing a wave of sexual euphoria, especially when the inanimate objects are taken out of context.

We’re not sure what the context is for this scene, though, photographed by Twitter user Kurumin at Disney’s theme park complex in Chiba Prefecture.


Kurumin even seems to think that this proves that Toy Story’s dual protagonists haven’t actually established the mutual respect and friendship the movies portray them as developing. She seems to think Buzz is asking for compensation of a very personal kind, as she accompanied her tweet with the question “Just what is Woody trying to get Buzz to do for him?”

Japanese Internet users had a couple of theories about what’s going on:

“Maybe there’s a button there you can press to make him perform karate chops.”
“Whatever Woody’s searching for, he really wants to find it…”
“Is Buzz about to deploy his bazooka?”
“The more I stare at this, the more it looks like Buzz is wearing a pair of bikini briefs.”

At least one pure-hearted individual offered the less scandalous possibility that there’s some sort of problem with the belt-like midsection of Buzz’s costume, and Woody is just straightening it out for his futuristic friend. That sounds more plausible than Buzz demanding public sexual favors from the cowboy, but now I’m left with another question that’s just as pressing as “What the heck is going on here?”

Like I said, I’ve never seen the movie, but given his name and his status as a classic toy, am I right I assuming that Woody is carved out of wood? And if so, shouldn’t Buzz be extremely worried right about now?

To infinity and beyond in splinter count!

Source: Hamster Sokuho, Twitter