Mr. Sato refuses to be bound by conventional fashion philosophies for these Uniqlo pants.

Doesn’t it bug you how there haven’t been any major pant-related innovation in the past few decades? It’s just “Stick in your right leg, stick in your left leg, pull them up to somewhere around your waist,” day after day after day. Where’s the fun in that?

What’s that? You’ve never had a problem with that, since it’s just the fundamental concept of what “wearing pants” is, plus you’re not a crazy person? Well then, it should come as no surprise that our crack reporter, Mr. Sato, is severely disappointed in how stale pants-wearing has become, so he’s ready to shake things up…up to the neck.

On a recent afternoon, Mr. Sato came into the office with three pairs of Ultra Stretch Active Jogger Pants from Uniqlo and an idea for a bold new fashion that he calls kubipan.

“Kubipan” comes from the Japanese word “kubi” (neck) and the English “pants,” and that’s exactly what Mr. Sato’s vision is, for everyone to wear pants that stretch up to their neck.

Unfortunately, Mr. Sato’s idea is so far out on the fashion frontier that the consumer market hasn’t caught up to his genius yet. Even in extra-large size, Uniqlo’s Ultra Stretch pants only go half-way up his midsection.

Or do they? Enlisting the help of fellow reporters/nut cases P.K. Sanjun and Go Hatori, Mr. Sato had each of them grab one side of his waistband…

…and lift!

We really have to hand it to Uniqlo, as the pants’ stitching held strong as we asked it to do something it definitely wasn’t designed to do. Unfortunately, the quality of the stitching meant that the central seam was going right up into Mr. Sato’s butt crack.

Eloquent wordsmith that he is, he described the sensation thusly:

“My ass! My ass! My ass!”

▼ Truly our generation’s Shakespeare

But pushing the boundaries of art is always a painful process, and Mr. Sato’s suffering had given birth to the kubipan.

It had been a noisy delivery though, what with all the “My ass!” screaming. As a matter of fact, the commotion prompted a complaint from reporter Seiji Nakazawa, who asked, “What the heck are you guys yelling about?”

Rather than try to explain the delicate nuance of this new fashion in words, Mr. Sato decided that Seiji too needed to be initiated in the kubipan style.

Seiji proved to be a naturally gifted protégé, as without any coaching from Mr. Sato he too shouted out the words that spring naturally from one’s mouth at the moment when they are infused with the kubipan spirit.

▼ “My ass! My ass! My ass my ass!”

There was still one pair of Ultra Stretch pants left, but oddly enough, everyone else seemed to have mysteriously vanished from the office.

While they waited for the last volunteer/victim to appear, Mr. Sato and Seiji relaxed and reflected on their kubipan experience thus far.

▼ “Uuuugggghhh…that might be the most painful thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

▼ “I…I think my ass might have died…”

Before long, Ahiru Neko wandered into the office and was press-ganged into the pull-up fashion experiment.

▼ “My ass! My ass! My ass!”

But hey, we now had a trio of kubipan bros!

It was at this point that Mr. Sato remembered that the pants are called the Ultra Stretch Active Jogger Pants. He wasn’t sure if just sitting around the office and being lazy in them would count as breaking the law, but he didn’t want to take any chances. Taking a walk to Starbucks should be active enough, he decided, and so he lead the way out the door and down to the streets of Tokyo.

Stepping out into the crisp autumn air, Mr. Sato knew they were at the forefront of fall fashion. Yes, it was hard to walk, and every step they did manage to take only seemed to drive the seam further up between their butt cheeks, but Mr. Sato reassured his crew that a little discomfort was worth it to look this good.

And sure enough, no one said a word to them as they walked down the street, proving that passersby were speechless at how cool they were.

▼ Surely it wasn’t just that people were afraid to talk to, or in any way acknowledge, them, right?

During the walk, Mr. Sato did have to concede that there are, surprisingly, a few drawbacks to this style. Since you can’t walk very fast while wearing kubipan, you have to be extra careful crossing busy intersections.

Even if the walk sign is on when you approach the crosswalk, it’s best to wait for it to change to don’t walk and then back to walk again, so that you have the maximum amount of time to make it to the other side.

▼ And yes that koban (police box) in the background is the one where we almost got arrested for our unusual fashion sense on a different day.

Walking as briskly as they could, the trio made it across the street, and eventually to Starbucks!

“We made it! OK, let’s head on in and grab some coffee,” said Mr. Sato.

Except…how were they supposed to “grab” anything?

Remember, kubipan means “neck pants,” so in order to truly be rocking the kubipan style, you have to have the waistband pulled up to your shoulders. That means your hands are on the inside, so there would be no way for Mr. Sato and his disciples to hold their cups or sip their coffee.

So in the end, they headed back to the office thirsty.

Ultimately, kubipan is definitely a form-over-function style, one in which you have to accept compromises to your mobility, use of hands, and butt crack condition. It’s not an everyday look, but when you want to make a statement…

…this definitely says…something.

Photos ©SoraNews24
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