The flag is up and the drinks are downed as our reporter sees what happens when she gets behind the virtual wheel while intoxicated.

Drinking and driving is always a bad decision. On this the data is clear. Drinking and Mario Kart, though, is something there’s much less documentation on, and our Japanese-language reporter Tsuku Inui recently made it her mission to fill in this gap in society’s shared knowledge by getting drunk and playing the mega-popular Nintendo Switch racing game.

Her methodology was simple and straightforward: Have a friend come over, play a little Mario Kart 8 Deluxe while sober, then crack open and consume many cold ones and see what the effects were on their virtual driving.

▼ And yes, Tsuku’s Joy-Cons are adorable. Thank you for noticing!

Despite being released in 2017, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe has consistently remained in the Switch monthly best-sellers lists. If you’ve ever wondered who’s still buying the game so long after it first came out, well, Tsuku is one of those people. She purchased her copy of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe about a week prior to this drunk-karting test, and though her friend has played a variety of racing games, this was her first time playing a Mario Kart title. So neither one of them is an experienced Mario Kart pro, but they’re both familiar with the fundamentals of digital driving.

▼ Tsuku on the right, and her friend on the left

Things started off benign, as they did a few quick races so Tsuku’s friend could get properly acquainted with the controls.

Then it was time to get inebriated.

Nether of them were chugging their drinks like college kids, but instead drank at whatever pace they felt like as they played and chatted. Still, with several rounds of adult beverages consumed, in time both Tsuku and her friend were properly soused, and as shown in Tsuku’s gameplay recordings below, it did not have a positive effect on their ability to operate their vehicles.

▼ Swerving back and forth for no reason

▼ Driving right off a cliff

▼ Senseless, irrepressible fidgeting

▼ General destruction and picking fights with the people they were supposed to be sharing the road with

That last one was particularly noticeable. Before they’d started drinking, Tsuku and her friend had problems gracefully maneuvering around obstacles and through traffic, passing other cars without making contact with them. As they continued to drink, though, both of them became more aggressive and able to think ahead and leave themselves outs to avoid collisions, sliding into and grinding against things with increasing frequency. They also both started shouting “Human!” whenever they saw The Legend of Zelda’s Link onscreen, yet rarely leaving themselves enough room to brake and not rear-end the hero of Hyrule.

“I stopped being able to make logical judgements about what I could and couldn’t do with the car,” recalls Tsuku, who also felt like her periphery vision and ability to consciously register the things around her on the road suffered a serious debuff from the drinks. “Regardless of whatever else was going on, all I could think about was passing other cars, not any of the details involved in doing that,” adds her friend.

So remember, while drinking and gaming can be fun, drinking and driving in the real world is not. If you’re going to be getting tipsy, make sure you stay put, maybe while chowing down on some of KFC Japan’s alcohol-oriented fried chicken.

Photos ©SoraNews24
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Follow Casey on Twitter, where he also reminds you that drunken Samurai Shodown is better than real-world drunken knife fighting.