So you’re saying this water lasted how long? And it’s good until when?

Advertising is a funny business. We, the consumers, often have a healthy dose of cynicism about the claims on the items we buy, and even when we don’t, it’s not like anyone really thinks we need to imbibe the vitamin of 50 lemons in a single sports drink.

But these wild claims persist anyway, partially because sometimes they have an effect deep in your subconscious. Maybe you don’t need 50 lemons in one sitting, your brain reasons, but it certainly can’t hurt to boost your vitamin C.

Keeping the product eye-catching without threatening customers’ suspension of disbelief is tricky for marketers, though, and Japanese Twitter is delighting in an example that seems to contradict itself right on the bottle. We present to you this bottle of mineral water produced by Zaiho (Treasure) Corporate:

▼ “Huh? They say this water is 30,000 years old, but then give it a five-year expiration date? What were you doing for the other 29,995, bucko?”

The plain, blocky design on the wrapping is very far removed from typical mineral water bottles sold in Japanese stores, and that’s because this bottle is specifically intended to be stored as an emergency resource. A vital fixture in any disaster kit, citizens are recommended to have a reserve of bottled water on hand in the case that an earthquake, typhoon, or other incident interrupts the delivery of water to their faucets.

Now, these kits can go years without ever seeing any use, so water that stays good for five years is a great option. The largest text on the wrapper testifies to this, declaring it “Zaiho’s Emergency Supply of Water: safe to drink even after five years”. However, Zaiho’s own slogan at the top of the wrapper reveals that Zaiho water is “water from 30,000 years ago.”

With the expiration date given on the bottle, that would mean this water remains drinkable for… 30,005 years. What an arbitrary number!

The comments came up with plenty of hilarious takes on the five year limit:

“It’s a five year limit because the plastic will melt, so you can only technically own it in this form for five years.”
“I guess it was sleeping all that time.”
(Reply to above) “So it’s only awake for five years?!

“Yeah, it’s ’cause after five years pass I come along and drink it all. Thought that was common knowledge.”
“It turns into a slime once the five years are up.”

Where did the 30,000 years part even come from? Well, Zaiho Corporate is a company operating out of Kagoshima prefecture, and they have claims on a mineral water spring in Tarumi City.

Their primary product is a mineral water called “Natural Alkali Onsen Water Treasure” drawn from these hot springs, and summoning the image of finely-aged water bubbling beneath the ground is a tried and true method for advertising mineral water. Interestingly, the commercial version boasts distance rather than time.

▼ The label reads: “A gift from 1,000 meters (3,280 feet) underground”

At any rate, hopefully the water in your own emergency ration kits will stand the test of time. And if they taste a little funny after all that time in storage, just pretend you’re drinking some new and innovative flavor from the I Lohas line-up.

Source: Twitter/CSDM2019 via Hachima Kikou
Top image: Pakutaso

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