Just another day in the office as P.K. and Go brawl in SoraNews24 headquarters.

It might not seem like it when we’re scouring the nation for the most expensive Yoshinoya lunch we can find or wiping our backsides with 5,000-yen (US$45) rolls of imperial-grade toilet paper, but we’re actually a pretty thrifty group of people here at SoraNews24. So when our Japanese-language reporter P.K. Sanjun needed a new pair of jeans, he headed straight to Japan’s bastion of affordable fashion: Uniqlo.

After a short stroll down the street to our local Shinjuku branch, P.K. came back sporting a pair of Uniqlo’s Ultra Stretch Jeans. But while he liked the look and feel of them, he wasn’t sure if they were really worthy of the “ultra” designation. Thinking of what sort of test would qualify that claim, P.K. employed the same caliber of flawless logic that’s served our team so well in the past and came to an obvious conclusion. If Uniqlo’s jeans are really ultra-stretchy, then he should be able to wrestle in them, right?

▼ He even had an appropriate T-shirt.

Now in most companies, standing in the middle of the office and issuing a challenge to anyone and everyone in the room is a pretty surefire way to get fired. However, our bosses are tolerant, and perhaps even criminally encouraging, of such outside-the-box collaborative endeavors, and another of our team members, Go Hatori, immediately stood up to fight P.K. for the non-existent SoraWrestling championship belt.

▼ Not that Go really needs any more belts, though.

And with that, the fight was on! Go wasted no time in leaping to the attack, immediately subjecting P.K.’s pants to their first combat test by putting his coworker in a figure-four leglock.

Mercilessly pinning P.K.s crossed left leg atop his outstretched right, Go pressed down with a strength that could only come from a dedicated journalist so committed to the article-writing process that he could completely shut out his colleague’s repeated cries of pain.

But despite the distress on P.K.’s face, his jeans took it all in stride, stretching and bending comfortably at the knee, even as he rolled over in order to slip out of Go’s hold.

However, uncoupling himself from one technique merely allowed Go to reposition himself for another, and next on the list was a scorpion deathlock.

With his face the very picture of professionalism, Go administered the next test, checking to see how well the Ultra Stretch Jeans flex at the seat of the pants.

Once again, Uniqlo’s craftsmanship was entirely up to the challenge, even if we couldn’t say the same for P.K.’s spine.

Utilizing his signature strategy of squealing in discomfort to distract his adversary, P.K. once again managed to slip out of Go’s clutches, and this time made sure to quickly move out of range of his powerful grip.

After posing for the crowd (made up of the rest of our staff which was doing, you know, real work), P.K. dashed forward…

…and before Go could reach out and attempt another hold, unleashed a devastating jumping knee strike.

To the untrained eye, this might just look like unbridled homicidal intent. True fashionistas, however, know that this is the most effective way to gauge a garment’s capacity for sudden stretching, as opposed to the more gradual pull of the grappling techniques Go had performed.

Once again, the Ultra Stretch Jeans passed the test with flying colors.

▼ Literally. The colors all flew away, turning SoraNews24 momentarily monochrome as P.K.’s knee slammed into Go.

But P.K. soon learned he’d played right into Go’s hands, as he’d purposely dropped his guard to lure P.K. back into grappling range.

Looking to end the bout, Go laid P.K. out on the floor face-down, then mounted him to begin the hold known in Japanese wrestling circles as the Romero Special.

To finish the move, the aggressor has to roll onto their back, suspending the victim above the attacker and simultaneously punishing the joints of all of their arms and legs. Unfortunately, by this point in the fight, Go’s stamina had begun to wane. Giving himself over entirely to the role of villainous heel, he called out to an underling to help him finish off P.K. once and for all.

▼ By the way, the jeans again handled this test with no problem, but by this point P.K. and Go were just determined to beat each other up.

But the strength of P.K.’s spirit, or perhaps the weight of his 32-pork-cutlet-lunch body, was too much for Go.

His strength having faded, Go conceded the match, admitting defeat and rolling off to a corner of the office in a too-little, too-late attempt to avoid bothering everyone who was working on articles that didn’t involve bare-knuckle fighting. Meanwhile, P.K., as was his right as champion, celebrated his victory.

And so we’d like to salute P.K. as the Baddest Dude Who Also Isn’t Too Embarrassed to Wrestle in the Office, at least until Go comes looking for revenge by teaming up with Mr. Sato and challenging P.K. and fellow reporter Seiji to an affordable-attire tag-team death match.

Photos ©SoraNews24
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