Man vs Nipple MAN

A problem that has plagued Japan for years now is the encroachment of male nipples into academic and business sectors of society. Just the other day I was attending a lecture on quantum computing when I noticed the speaker’s nipples protruding through his shirt. “Hey buddy,” I shouted, “this ain’t no Times Square peep show. Put on a vest or something!”

Shortly after security escorted me out of the building, I heard of a new product that claimed to tame the nipple and return peace and order to our lives. Called Nipple MAN, it promised “hide & protect care” which is really all anyone could ever want for their nipples.

After purchasing a pack of 20 for 495 yen (US$4.60), we recruited the SoraNews24 staff member with the most powerful nipples, Mr. Sato.

Mr. Sato suffers from a case of chronic high-beams which makes summer fashion coordination a real chore, so he was rather excited at the prospect of some relief. 

The product is basically a band aid but without the gauze and cut into a circular shape for optimum nipple coverage. It reminded Mr. Sato of how marathon runners sometimes need tape to prevent chafing. There would be no long-distance running for him on this day, however, just a longing for some of that Ken-doll smoothness up top.

Much to his surprise there was also another sheet of even smaller stickers called “auxiliary patches.” Although he wasn’t sure exactly how they were used, it made sense as nipples come in an amazingly wide array of shapes and sizes. There’s no way you could account for all of them in a single sticker.

The surprises didn’t end there either. Mr. Sato had assumed one would just have to slap a Nipple MAN on and that’d be that, but according to the instructions he was to first gently run his finger around the areolae for three to five seconds.

Being the stickler for the rules Mr. Sato was, he obliged and began stroking his nipples.

▼ *heavy breathing*

After that he carefully applied the patch.

Finally, he slipped on a T-shirt to witness the effect of Nipple MAN.

▼ Before

▼ After

▼ Aw man, Nipple MAN! Nipples, man!

After careful study of Mr. Sato’s erect nipples, it would appear that Nipple MAN did reduce the protrusion of his nipples along the z axis. On the other hand, it appeared to accentuate his nipples slightly along the x and y axes. An argument could be made that that was an improvement, but Nipple MAN clearly did not live up to its “hide” promise.

By Mr. Sato’s own observations, he’d guess that it’d take three or four layers to smooth out his pecs, but at that point the cost performance of Nipple MAN takes a huge blow. Looks like its back to bra shirts for him.

Photos © SoraNews24
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[ Read in Japanese ]