Stress-relief item tells us to “shake well and have sex outside” if need be.

Our Japanese-language reporter Masanuki Sunakoma doesn’t have the easiest job. He regularly scrapes the bottom of the Amazon Japan barrel, purchasing and testing the online retailer’s lowest-rated items. Every now and then he finds a hidden gem, but regular exposure to shoddy craftsmanship and possible curses sometimes leaves him feeling severely stressed out.

On his latest patrol of Amazon’s one-star reviews, though, he felt like he’d maybe found something that could help him with that problem, as he came across an item listed as:

Pot Scream in a Big Voice Stress-relief Ubeasy Uncertain Refreshing Scream Scream Pot Pot of Screaming Stress-relief Griping Pot Scream Vent Irritation and Complaints Unsatisfied Pressure Screaming Pot Complaint Ventilation (Pot) This Will Make You Feel Better Soundproofing Bottle Scream Pot Karaoke Voice Training Let Out Your Feelings

The way that grammatical fever dream tapers off sort of sounds like the seller forgot to specify exactly what it is, but all the mention of screaming and pots should give you the gist. It’s a pot that you scream, shout, or yell into to relieve stress, constructed in a way to muffle the sound so that you won’t bother people around you.

The item, which we’ll just call the Screaming Pot, only had one review, but it was a one-star one. That means there’s no way for any other screaming pot on Amazon to have a lower ranking than this one, so Masanuki placed his order for the 1,533-yen (US$11.70) Screaming Pot and waited patiently for it to be delivered.

Now, when you’ve ordered as many one-star products as Masanuki has, you learn not to set your expectations too high. Even he was shocked, though, to see how beat-up the Screaming Pot’s box was on arrival.

It was as though whoever had packed or delivered the Screaming Pot was themselves filled with stressed-out anger, and instead of getting a Screaming Pot of their own had decided to take their negative emotions out on the box.

Things didn’t get any more aesthetically pleasing when Masanuki opened the box. The Screaming Pot’s description said “It looks like a flower vase,” but Masanuki couldn’t ever recall seeing a vase this cheap and shabby-looking.

Things went from ugly to bizarre, though, when he started reading the directions, which cautioned:

“Please don’t use this product outside of its original circularness.”

But even that seemed perfectly logical compared to this reminder written further down:

“If too many snores accumulate in the writhing, please shake well and have sex outside!”

And yes, the directions really do include the exclamation point at the end.

Also, though the product description says that the Screaming Pot can be separated into two pieces for cleaning, no matter how Masanuki fiddled with it, he couldn’t get the top and bottom sections to separate.

▼ With all of the shaking he was doing to try to get it open, he started to worry he was going to have to go have sex outside.

Now it was time for Masanuki to test out the Screaming Pot. He brought it up, pressed the rim into his face, and bellowed as loudly as he could!

The Screaming Pot’s description says that it “Turns shouts into whispers,” but unfortunately, Masanuki had no idea whether or not it had delivered on that promise. Regardless of how well the pot contains the sound of your shout, you’ll still hear yourself. So to really gauge the Screaming Pot’s effectiveness, Masanuki had to wait for his coworkers to arrive, and then…

…he snuck up behind them, one by one, and screamed from the bottom of his soul. And to let you share the experience, we recorded the test too, so take a listen.

Yeah, not exactly a “whisper,” is it? Sure, it’s quieter than shouting without the Screaming Pot would be, so the sound is less likely to startle people around you, but it’s still loud enough to annoy them.

▼ Masanuki’s officemates who were on the receiving end of his Screaming Pot test

So maybe when you’re feeling a need to de-stress at work, it’s better to just set up Amazon’s lowest-rated portable bathtub on the office floor and take a relaxing soak instead.

Related: Screaming Pot Amazon Japan listing
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