When it comes to battles against giant food, always bet on Sato.

Though he’s far too much of a tough guy to let it show, we think Mr. Sato might be feeling a little down in the dumps. See, there was a time when he had sole claim to the title of SoraNews24’s giant food taste-tester.

Crazy attracts crazy, though, and recently some of our other reporters, guys Mr. Sato has taken under his wing, have started their own adventures in gluttony. And that’s fine; it makes Mr. Sato proud that he’s being such a good sempai by helping these young bucks expand their horizons and stomach linings. But we don’t want him to forget his salad days of oversized junk food, and so recently we sent him to eat what’s being billed as Japan’s biggest soft serve ice cream cone.

The Long! Longer!! Longest!!! snack cafe just opened its doors on March 1. Located on Takeshita Street, Tokyo’s mecca of teen fashion in the trendy Harajuku neighborhood, Long! Longer!! Longest!!! is clearly aimed at the social media crowd, boasting that it has taller/longer ice cream cones, churros, cotton candy swirls, and twirl-cut French fries than you’ll find anywhere else in the country. “Long!”, “Longer!!”, and “Longest!!!” also happen to be the names of the three sizes they offer, and since Mr. Sato never gives anything less than maximum effort (even when his ultimate goal is to be lazy), he obviously went with a Longest!!! ice cream cone, which set him back 700 yen (US$6.60).

Watching the employee prepare the swirl was an elegant display of technology and technique.

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▼ The finished product

Usually when we do our taste tests, we have to keep telling ourselves to slow down and take our time taking photos, resisting the urge to start eating right away. This time, though, Mr. Sato felt that time was of the essence, since the ice cream’s towering height had him thinking it could topple over at any moment. He also recommends having your phone out and the camera app open before you get your dessert, since the less tapping and swiping you have to do while trying to keep the cone perfectly upright, the better.

Somehow, Mr. Sato managed to fire off a few selfies, though the grip necessitated by the size of his treat meant he couldn’t risk flashing a “fashionable-schoolgirl-in-Harajuku” peace sign. Figuring he only had seconds left until the ice cream went diagonal, he took his first bite, and found that he didn’t have quite as much to worry about as he thought he did. Long! Longer!! Longest!!! makes its ice cream with just the right amount of moisture, and while it’s creamy with no trace of harsh iciness to its texture, it’s not at all watery either, giving it a surprising amount of structural integrity. Flavor-wise, it’s really tasty stuff, with plenty of milky goodness…so much so, in fact, that Mr. Sato ate the whole thing all by himself.

▼ Like we said, Mr. Sato always goes all in.

The cone itself is garnished with cereal flakes, and after consuming so much creamy ice cream, their crunchiness almost felt novel to Mr. Sato’s teeth, and acted as a crisp ending punctuation to his dessert, and also a reminder that Mr. Sato will always be ready to eat whatever his fans want him to.

Restaurant information
Long! Longer!! Longest!!!
Tokyo-to, Shibuya-ku, Jingumae 1-7-3, Cute Cube Harajuku 1st floor
東京都渋谷区神宮前1-7-3 キュートキューブ原宿1F
Open 10 a.n.-8 p.m.

Photos ©SoraNews24
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